The author of Angus, Thongs and Full-Frontal Snogging died on Monday. Fiona Longmuir would like to thank her for showing the reality of being a teenage girl and for making her laugh like a loon on loon tablets.
As an awkward, gangly, big-nosed teen, Georgia Nicolson was a godsend (although I was never blessed with her nunga nungas). In a sea of TV’s 16-year-olds played by 25-year-olds, who spent their time drinking cocktails at society balls and having sex in the back of limousines, Georgia and her Ace Gang were gloriously, wonderfully real.
They stuck fake snot on their faces and capered behind their teachers’ backs. They were often more concerned with choreographing hilarious dance routines than with literally anything else. They practised snogging on the backs of their hands and on pillows. They fell out with one another on a daily basis and owned piles of cuddly toys and struggled with the desire to be cool and mysterious while their bodies were going mad. They were immature. They were weird. They were a lot like me.
On Monday night, my entire Twitter timeline sang out in a familiar voice. It was a voice that I could immediately hear in my head as clearly as my mum’s or my best friend’s. The news that Louise Rennison, author of the Georgia Nicolson book series, had died stopped every young woman I know in her tracks.
My teenage years were measured on Georgia’s snogging scale, numbers gigglingly whispered among friends. I surrounded myself with girls that I love, my very own Ace Gang and we wreaked havoc, just like Georgia did.
1. On the eve of an important event, you will always sprout an enormous glowing lurker on your chin.
2. In this situation, squirt the lurker liberally with perfume. This will ruin your skin for the rest of your life but will temporarily shrivel the lurker up.
3. If you are the owner of a generously proportioned nose, you should fashion a nose hammock from a pair of pants, to provide support and stop your nose running free and akimbo.
4. If a boy is gazing at you while you stand at your bedroom window, it might be because you have forgotten to remove your pants-nose-hammock.
5. If you are uncertain whether you should be wearing a bra, do a quick pencil test. If you can hold a pencil up with your cleavage, put one on. I’m still eagerly awaiting this day.
6. Pushing your best friend into a ditch will never not be funny.
7. If in doubt, start Viking dancing.
8. Do not ever, EVER shave your eyebrows.
9. Boys are such a mystery.
11. Even in the face of complete disasters like getting your boy entrancers stuck together, you still have a pretty good chance of landing the Sex God.
12. In the face of further disaster, such as the Sex God moving to the other side of the world or being pursued by an octopus with hair extensions, your Ace Gang will always have your back. Through Sex Gods, Lurve Gods, Whelks and Laughs, your Ace Gang will always love you. Even when you act dim.
Sleep tight, Louise Rennison. Thanks for all the fabulosity.4572 Views
Fiona Longmuir is a professional storyteller, reluctant adult and aspiring funny girl. When not getting naked in tube stations and binge-watching inappropriate TV shows, she can be found scribbling at the Escapologist's Daughter.