Written by Sooz Kempner

In The News

The Farage Diaries

Imagine being Nigel Farage. No, us neither. Sooz Kempner, however, has managed to get a look at his bona fide, genuine, honest to goodness diary. She shares her findings.

Illustration by Louise Boulter.

Illustration by Louise Boulter.

8 November

1pm: WOWOWOWOW! Today is like Nige Christmas Eve! The Yanks are at the polling booths and I’m having my first beer of the day at 5am to celebrate. Don-Don’s been looking tired the past few weeks and I can understand why. It’s like when I was running for Thanet last year all over again!!!

You campaign, you get your message out there, you have a pint, you pick up a baby, you have a cigarette and a pint, you high-five a man who wants to get his country back and you have some pints. Don-Don doesn’t drink, of course, but that’s because in America the beer is a load of shit pardon my French hahaha, just kidding, I don’t like anything French.

11pm: The counts are coming in now and Don-Don is putting on a great party in New York City aka The Big City! My invite got lost in the post I reckon but that’s OK, my country needs me and Andrew Neil over at the Beeb wants to do a live link with me at 1am GMT. I’m ready to giggle with my chums over satellite link-up. My hot takes on the election might end up being the biggest story of the night!

9 November

9am: OOPS I fell asleep in my early-hours-pint at 2am and missed my Don-Don’s big epic emphatic win!

Woke up and saw the news and immediately burst into tears that were red, white and blue (not literally, that was just poetic language the Queen and my close personal friend and fellow politician Donald J Trumpy would appreciate). Red, white and blue are the colours of both the American flag (known as the Striped Star Flag) and the British flag (has no nickname) by the way.

Literally couldn’t be more excited that I not only showed the elites what’s what by 100 per cent causing Brexit but also 100 per cent using my political force to get Trump elected to US Prime Minister aka President of the Americas.

7pm: Gave him a call as soon as I could! Couldn’t get through for the first four hours but kept trying and eventually let him know that I was so excited and he said, “Thank you, Nigel – means a lot,” and I wept again. Oh Nigel, you big softy, you’re becoming more emotional than a silly housewife!

Don-Don said I should come over and visit and, even though my country needs me, I immediately got on the internet and booked the first flight I could find that was also reasonably priced because I’m not an elite, I am just an ordinary working man. I bet Don-Don would have sent his private jet if I’d asked, but I wouldn’t expect that, obviously.

10 November

11am: Seriously, still so chuffed/emotional/happy about this wonderful win against the elite. Was hoping Don-Don would have texted me since our phone call but… oh I don’t know, I’m sure he’s busy but it’s easy to get a bit insecure when you send over your flight details in an email (complete with very very funny picture of chihuahua falling off a wall [chihuahuas are Mexican]) and don’t even get a reply. Hmmm.

“I had the greatest time congratulating my Trumpalump in person! We took a very glamorous selfie in his beautiful shiny gold elevator. Oops, I mean lift hahahaha. Look at me, talking like an American!”

2pm: Silly Nigel! Was just pouring a fine Australian red into a pint glass when Donny-T emailed me back!! “Look forward to seeing you at TT.” TT!!! Trump Tower! I’m going to Trump Tower!!!!

11 November

2pm: It’s Remembrance Sunday today but I have much more important things to think about because I’m currently in a taxi/cab on my way to TT!! Hahahaha Remembrance Sunday. How ironic that I keep forgetting! No time for Remembrance Sunday when you’ve got to make a nation great again. What can history really teach us? Forget it! I’m looking to the future.

11pm: Can’t believe it! I’m tucked up in bed now but I just have to say I had the greatest time congratulating my Trumpalump in person! We took a very glamorous selfie (photograph of ourselves) in his beautiful shiny gold elevator. Oops, I mean lift hahahaha. Look at me, talking like an American!

11.15pm: Don-Don was really ruddy keen on the way I operate. I told him he was wonderful 30 times in about five minutes and I knew he appreciated that because I think normally he just surrounds himself with people who disagree with him so it must have been nice for him to have somebody around who is more of a ‘yes man’.

I told him about all the times I ran for Thanet and how the voters of Thanet feel my unfair losses are now vindicated by Don-Don’s big win.

11.30pm: Maybe I’m supposed to be an American now. Something to think about…

12 November

10am: Didn’t sleep very well in my suite at TT (Trump Tower) last night because of all the protesting outside. They should bloody well grow up and accept the result just like I accepted Great Britain joining the EU way back in the 1970s.

13 November

11pm: Phew! Big day for me and The Trumpster – he was appearing with his family on 60 Minutes. I offered to appear too, as it feels like I really am part of the family these days but he said I wasn’t required. Well, Mike Pence did anyway. Don-Don was too busy to chat.

11.05pm: Not sure I trust Mike Pence. On the one hand he has all these great qualities, like excellent policies that serve people like me very well/don’t affect me at all, but on the other hand I feel like he’s getting a bit too attached to my Don-Don. I sense a little jealousy, to be frank!

14 November

3pm: Took the D-Man breakfast in bed this morning and something was obviously really annoying him so I only sat at the end of the bed for 45 minutes and then made the decision to fly home/to Britain.

15 November

1pm: Right, so I just spat my 12.55pm pint all over my computer screen because apparently that bloody dreadful Clinton woman has fixed it so she beats my Trumpzo in the so-called ‘popular vote’. Didn’t do a very ruddy good job of fixing it did she, the elite nutter? Everyone knows you have to win the electoral college. Whatever that is. Well done Don-Don for showing her that you can’t just use money to get into power!

16 November

4pm: DT not replying to texts, emails, phone calls or Twitter PMs. Very worrying. Hope he’s OK. I checked the news but it’s got so much left-wing bias they wouldn’t say if he was ill or anything.

4.30pm: Mike Pence just answered Don-Don’s phone and said he wasn’t available. Honestly, Mike is starting to come across as a bit of a hanger-on. Very embarrassing!

17 November

5am: Just had a brilliant idea and something that my very own President Elect is bound to be impressed by – I’m going to become a Lord! Yep, no one messes with a Lord. I’ll tell you who is not a Lord: Mike Pence, that’s who!

“Probably my biggest day as a politician: Don-Don, via Twitter, has elected me Ambassador for Britain to the United States of America. I never even wanted Thanet; this was always my ultimate goal.”

11.45pm: Told Don-Don on various platforms that I might be a Lord soon – he just sent a thumbs-up on Facebook Messenger. Phew!

18 November

9pm: It’s just been announced that Alec Baldwin (my least favourite Baldwin actually [my favourite is Stanley Baldwin]) is going to be doing yet another rubbish Saturday Night Live skit this weekend as Don-Don. His impression is unfair and left-wing biased. Sick of it and so is the D-Meister. Rightly so!

Texted Trumpzilla to let him know I was thinking of him and he was actually very grateful and we chatted on Skype for 35 minutes about how Alec Baldwin is not funny and also not even handsome, so I know I am valued.

19 November

6pm: It all kicked off last night! Apparently a load of ethnic actors in the musical Hamilton (which is not about my underling, Neil Hamilton) asked Mike Pence to include everybody in his new government and Don-Don agrees with me that this was outrageous. Not how government works, ethnic actors! Wise up!

6.30pm: Donny-Boo also very bravely settled his lawsuit with his ungrateful university students. They’re complaining that $25million isn’t enough but, as I said to D-Tizzle, “As working ordinary men we’d be bloody grateful for $25million! You can buy a house with that!” He laughed because he says he couldn’t and I laughed back because I find everything he says funny.

20 November

10.30am: Really ruddy keen on this Steve Bannon bloke. Talks sense and doesn’t take nonsense from anyone, female or otherwise. And he doesn’t try to monopolise Don-Don’s time like the unbearable Mike Pence. Secretly I’m quite glad Mike Pence was booed at the ethnic musical. That’ll teach him to be messing around when he’s meant to be doing politics.

21 November

7pm: It’s official! Don-Don’s gonna meet the Queen! Theresa May wouldn’t be my pick for PM (and Donny Boy says she wouldn’t be his pick for a wife hahahaha, very funny man, women are idiots) but, with my help behind the scenes without her or anyone even knowing about it, I’ve helped set up this meeting between the two most powerful people on the planet. Can’t wait to attend too probably!

22 November

8am: Probably my biggest day as a politician: Don-Don, via Twitter, has elected me Ambassador for Britain to the United States of America. I never even wanted Thanet; this was always my ultimate goal. Weeping into my breakfast pint!!

10am: Someone on Twitter who goes by the name SophieElms1994 (a woman) has suggested that Fred West would make a better ambassador for Britain than I would. Well the joke’s on you, Sophie! He wouldn’t because, unlike me, he is dead. Hahahaha made yourself look rather foolish there! Luckily I see the funny side of every situation.

1pm: Fucking Number fucking 10 have rejected Don-Don’s official appointment of me as ambassador for the UK! This is fucking outrageous! They can’t fucking do this! I am the Leader of the Opposition, FOX News said so! Fuck you!

1.15pm: Turns out they can do this, it’s not up to Don-Trump to appoint ambassadors for other nations.

1.20pm: We’ll see what happens come 20 January, won’t we, world. Oh yes. We will. Arise Lord Nigel, your time will come!


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Written by Sooz Kempner

Funny Women Variety Award Winner 2012. ASDA Kate Bush.