Written by Sooz Kempner

In The News

Nine things we’d miss if Brexit came to pass

In a week’s time the general public get to vote on whether or not our fair isle remains in the EU. Brexit might be fun to say but it is NOT fun to think about. Here’s Sooz Kempner with nine of the great European things we’d lose if Britain votes ‘leave’.

Illustration by Louise Boulter.

Illustration by Louise Boulter.

1. Danish pastries

Do we like butter, pastry and currants? Yes we do. Do we like Danish pastries? Erm, yep! They are from Denmark – a country in Europe – and we may eat them for the last time on June 23. So just in case the referendum voting day is our last chance to eat Danish pastries we will eat six every hour, on the hour, for the entire day.

2. The Mona Lisa

The Mona Lisa, the world’s first selfie! Oh wait, no. But it’s certainly the world’s most famous painting. Did you know that come Brexit every reference to the Mona Lisa on the British internet (Brinternet) will be erased and the way she looks will be nothing more than an enigmatic memory? Farewell, Mrs Lisa.

3. Aqua

No, calm down everybody, we’re not going to lose water if Brexit happens. We’re talking about the greatest band in Europe – Aqua. The inventors of the Barbie Girl doll will never again rock Wembley Stadium if Brexit comes to pass. It’ll just be a case of ‘life in plastic WAS fantastic’.

4. Eldorado

Remembered by many as the greatest television of all time, Eldorado ran from 1992 to 1993 and the British Isles have been screaming for it to return ever since. But if Brexit becomes more than just an idea Nigel Farage has dreamed of since he was a little privately educated baby, a nation’s hopes of Eldorado’s return will be dashed. Forever.

5. Baguettes

Haha, baguettes! Bread that looks like a penis? Er, OK, France haha! Seriously though, if bread is the king of carbs then baguettes are the king of breads. Can we really face a future without bread that is long and thin like a man’s thingy? We don’t want to live in that future.

6. Touche Éclat

Sometimes when we’ve been up all night crying about things other than being in the EU, we get up in the morning and literally look like an old piece of sack and when that happens, like all good feminists, we need to cover our whole faces in makeup. Brexit will mean saying goodbye to this French fancy and also goodbye to looking acceptable in public.

7. Eurovision

For many of us, Christmas Day isn’t December 25. Christmas Day is Eurovision Day. We like seeing crazy ballads and bonkers disco and WAIT A MINUTE, WHAT IS AUSTRALIA DOING THERE!? The loss of Eurovision will devastate us in so many ways. Instead we will be faced with the prospect of Countyvision, where every county in the UK enters a song and Piers Morgan and Katie Price present the show from the Fairfield Halls in Croydon. We don’t want this. And neither do you. Vote stay.

8. The sea

Say goodbye to the sea, everybody. Brexit = no more sea. Unfortunately, should Brexit become our new reality, the European seas will be like acid on our British feet and we will be forced to just swish around in the bath and watch Beaches and put our ears to big seashells to remember what the sea was like.

9. Knobs on statues

As Brexit looms are we Brits about to see the end of statues with their knobs out? Imagine a world of statues clad only in military uniforms like all British statues are. (Actually, some statues are naked but they are lions so it doesn’t count because APPARENTLY when a lion-statue is naked it’s noble and fine, but when we’re naked we have to stop ruining the atmosphere in Wetherspoons.)

Do the right thing next week, guys.

@SoozUK

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Written by Sooz Kempner

Funny Women Variety Award Winner 2012. ASDA Kate Bush.