“Make me a sammich, bitch!” squeaked one internet goon. HELL YEAH, came the reply. Fiona Longmuir can hardly stop laughing long enough to hashtag.
You may have come across Milo Yiannopoulos on your travels. He’s one of those rent-an-opinion types who turns up on Channel 4 News every so often to debate whether banning women is a good idea. This week, it was Milo’s birthday (happy birthday Milo!) and as genuinely abhorrent people are wont to do, he decided that he would use his birthday to launch World Patriarchy Day.
“But isn’t that every day?” I hear you cry. That, my dear reader, is beside the point. Among a number of completely original gems, Milo tweeted this:
— Milo Yiannopoulos (@Nero) October 18, 2015
At first, confusion reigned:
are you trying to pump yourself up to make a sandwich? it's not that hard man. I suggest investing in some butter knives tho @Nero
— terminally shrill (@theshrillest) October 18, 2015
Was Milo the bitch? Why is he afraid of sandwiches? Doesn’t he know how to make a sandwich? Were all those ‘make me a sandwich’ jokes actually a desperate cry for help?
When it became clear that this was in fact another hilarious ‘make me a sandwich’ joke, Shrill began to question exactly what the hell kind of a sandwich Milo expected us to produce with those weird-ass ingredients and that bizarrely oversized knife:
— a lone shrill shriek (@theshrillest) October 19, 2015
This caught on quickly.
@theshrillest "Well bitch? I'm waiting" [photo of two pieces of bread, a sprig of parsley, a can of mixed nuts, and 10 m&ms]
— Max Read (@max_read) October 19, 2015
People started to post demands for Milo Sandwiches with increasingly brilliant ingredients. Silly? Maybe. Funny? Oh my god, yes.
— frickin bats (@OhHeyMare) October 19, 2015
— Matthew Timmons (@MatthewTimmons) October 19, 2015
Many chose to include an inappropriate utensil, in a nod to that MASSIVE carving knife.
— Rainbow Stalin (@RBStalin) October 19, 2015
— Larry Taint (@WarOnXMASVet) October 19, 2015
Many chose to pay tribute to Milo’s little peeking socks.
— Eric Anderson (@ericanderson608) October 19, 2015
— intunepiccolo (@intunepiccolo) October 19, 2015
Some really got to the heart of the matter: MANLY MANLY MANLINESS.
— Mr The Geoff (@MrTheGeoff) October 19, 2015
— Ellen MarTell-Tale ♡ (@emarty) October 19, 2015
Eventually, young Milo got wind of the situation and promptly decided that he’d won:
— Milo Yiannopoulos (@Nero) October 19, 2015
Because apparently, this is Milo:
Oh Milo, my darling, the quality of our sandwiches was never in doubt. Of course women and feminists make the best sandwiches – we’re smart as hell. The question was whether asshats like you were deserving of such sandwichy greatness. And unfortunately, to quote the late, great Heath Ledger, you have been weighed, you have been measured and you have been found wanting. Happy sandwiching, everyone!1611 Views
Fiona Longmuir is a professional storyteller, reluctant adult and aspiring funny girl. When not getting naked in tube stations and binge-watching inappropriate TV shows, she can be found scribbling at the Escapologist's Daughter.