Written by Fiona Longmuir

In The News

Milo sandwich

“Make me a sammich, bitch!” squeaked one internet goon. HELL YEAH, came the reply. Fiona Longmuir can hardly stop laughing long enough to hashtag.

Photo by Twitter user @MatthewTimmons.

Photo by Twitter user @MatthewTimmons.

You may have come across Milo Yiannopoulos on your travels. He’s one of those rent-an-opinion types who turns up on Channel 4 News every so often to debate whether banning women is a good idea. This week, it was Milo’s birthday (happy birthday Milo!) and as genuinely abhorrent people are wont to do, he decided that he would use his birthday to launch World Patriarchy Day.

“But isn’t that every day?” I hear you cry. That, my dear reader, is beside the point. Among a number of completely original gems, Milo tweeted this:

At first, confusion reigned:

Was Milo the bitch? Why is he afraid of sandwiches? Doesn’t he know how to make a sandwich? Were all those ‘make me a sandwich’ jokes actually a desperate cry for help?

When it became clear that this was in fact another hilarious ‘make me a sandwich’ joke, Shrill began to question exactly what the hell kind of a sandwich Milo expected us to produce with those weird-ass ingredients and that bizarrely oversized knife:

This caught on quickly.

People started to post demands for Milo Sandwiches with increasingly brilliant ingredients. Silly? Maybe. Funny? Oh my god, yes.

Many chose to include an inappropriate utensil, in a nod to that MASSIVE carving knife.

Many chose to pay tribute to Milo’s little peeking socks.

Some really got to the heart of the matter: MANLY MANLY MANLINESS.

Eventually, young Milo got wind of the situation and promptly decided that he’d won:

Because apparently, this is Milo:

winning at cards

Oh Milo, my darling, the quality of our sandwiches was never in doubt. Of course women and feminists make the best sandwiches – we’re smart as hell. The question was whether asshats like you were deserving of such sandwichy greatness. And unfortunately, to quote the late, great Heath Ledger, you have been weighed, you have been measured and you have been found wanting. Happy sandwiching, everyone!


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Written by Fiona Longmuir

Fiona Longmuir is a professional storyteller, reluctant adult and aspiring funny girl. When not getting naked in tube stations and binge-watching inappropriate TV shows, she can be found scribbling at the Escapologist's Daughter.