Cluedo’s long-standing housekeeper, Mrs White, has been bumped off the board by Hasbro. It’s a move that’s been praised as positive for women. Provided you like your women young and middle class, says Hannah Dunleavy.
Old people have been getting a rough deal in recent weeks. In a post-Brexit world, a picture has been painted of an entire generation of marauding pensioners, weighed down by loot, being casually racist, while the young people of the country, who would definitely make the world a nicer place, slowly work out they’ve got a lot better chance if they only bother to vote.
Does Mrs White have a photo of Nigel Farage on the fridge at Tudor Mansion? Is that why she’s suddenly been unceremoniously ditched and replaced by a younger model? Or has she fallen victim to a skewed view that sees sexism in the portrayal of a woman working in the kitchen, but fails to spot Miss Scarlett shoving her tits in our faces?
Let’s start there, with the famous femme fatale, surely the most sexist character on the board. She’s a pretty blonde head on a plastic body who gets to move first because she’s a pretty blonde head on a plastic body. Chew on that for a while.
“I threw away my White counter years ago and if we ever have six players we just push an old bit of cat turd around the board because it’s basically the same thing.”
But kids want to be Miss Scarlett, don’t they? Best not get rid of that stereotype. And it can’t be Mrs Peacock, who could tell the way the wind was blowing and had the good sense to start ageing in reverse. Like Benjamin Button. Or Kylie.
No, let’s get rid of the old crone in the kitchen. Because she’s ugly, right? Plus, no women should ever aspire to be in kitchen. That’s just sexist claptrap, right?
Throw your Mrs Whites away, people. I mean it. She’s rotting young minds. Put her in the bin where she belongs. I threw away my White counter years ago and if we ever have six players we just push an old bit of cat turd around the board because it’s basically the same thing.
I means she’s only a housekeeper, isn’t she? She only does the most demanding job of any character in the game. Unless you count whatever it is Col Mustard does (big game hunter? Raconteur? Imperialist pigdog?) as hard work.
What can young women learn from that? Aside from the historically-accurate fact that housekeeper was an incredibly desirable position that required immense skill, co-ordination, diplomacy and seat-of-the-pants problem solving. (And she still has time to possibly commit a murder. What a woman.)
But who cares about that? She’s old and she works in a kitchen. We’d all rather die than let that happen to us. Please Mrs White, murder me now.
So who has this low-born monstrosity been replaced with? Dr Orchid, a young, attractive woman with a PhD who was privately educated in Switzerland. Someone we can all relate to, I think you’ll agree.
So long Mrs White, you wizened old bread-smelling hag. I hope you’re happy in your retirement. You’ll be missed. Almost immediately, I’d imagine. I’m not sure any of those others can make a cup of tea.
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Hannah Dunleavy is the deputy editor of Standard Issue. She likes whisky and not having to run anywhere.