Written by Fiona Longmuir

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How to talk to a woman who…

Self-proclaimed ‘modern man’ Dan Bacon has shared some tips on how to chat up a woman wearing headphones. Fiona Longmuir offers a few pointers he might have missed.

woman wearing headphones
Dear Dan the Modern Man,

I’m writing to tell you that I read your article ‘How to Talk to a Woman Wearing Headphones’ with great interest.

I really admire your total disregard for women’s boundaries, and your flagrant inability to take a goddamn hint is nothing short of inspirational. With this in mind, I’d love to pitch you some alternative article ideas to help your readers further insert themselves into women’s lives with absolutely no invitation. Some of the scenarios are a little tricky, but I’m sure for a dominant alpha male like you, they’ll present no problem!

How to Talk to a Woman Who Has Faked Her Own Death to Avoid You

Women love to set tests for their prospective mates and this is a classic example. Wedding vows are never far from a lady’s mind, so track her down and prove that not even death could part you. Persistence is key. Ladies are traditional at heart and love to be pursued, especially at high speed around the globe.

How to Talk to a Woman Who is Literally Making Out with Her Girlfriend

This woman has already indicated her interest by kissing another woman: something women only ever do to attract the attention of a man. Make a confident approach and let her know that you’re reading her signals loud and clear.

“An arrest is a great time to show off your amazing sense of humour. Wink cheekily as she bundles you into the back of her police car and make endless jokes about handcuffs, uniforms and truncheons.”

In this sort of situation, the woman might take control of the conversation, with flirtatious openers like, “What are you doing in my house?”

Feisty women like this secretly long to be dominated by an alpha male, so demonstrate your natural brute strength by bench pressing her cabinets as she calls the police.

How to Talk to a Woman Who is Actually a Mannequin but Still Doesn’t Want to Talk to You

This type of woman can be intimidating, but don’t be put off by her cold, blank exterior. It can be hard to guess what she is thinking because women like to be mysterious and also because she doesn’t have a face.

Fortunately, there are certain tricks that are bound to impress every woman on Earth. Women are very shallow and love to be reduced to sexual objects, so be sure to compliment her firm figure and smooth skin. Turn on the charm and you’re guaranteed to melt that hard plastic heart.

How to Talk to a Woman Who is Actually the Space Jam Aliens in a Trenchcoat

Lucky you! You’ve stumbled upon a sporty woman: the rarest of all women. Don’t be put off by the fact that there are four aliens under that trenchcoat. Quadruple the limbs means quadruple the fun and everyone knows that all women have at least four personalities anyway, AMIRITE?

Bond over the many things you have in common: love of sports, old-fashioned values and the tendency to overcompensate for teeny tiny body parts with bullying.

How to Talk to a Woman Who is Arresting You for Harassing Women

She’s heard of you already – this is an excellent start. An arrest is a great time to show off your amazing sense of humour. Wink cheekily as she bundles you into the back of her police car and make endless jokes about handcuffs, uniforms and truncheons.

Your originality and sparkling wit will have her thinking about you for days. Often, policewomen will try to restrict your access to other women. This is because women are naturally jealous creatures. She knows you’re a total catch and she wants you all to herself!

I wish you luck, Dan, I really do. I hope you consider trying out some of my top tips. Take care and be sure not to fall down a well or anything.



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Written by Fiona Longmuir

Fiona Longmuir is a professional storyteller, reluctant adult and aspiring funny girl. When not getting naked in tube stations and binge-watching inappropriate TV shows, she can be found scribbling at the Escapologist's Daughter.