Written by Daisy Leverington

In The News

Hands off my tits

New Hampshire State Representative Josh Moore is in deep trouble if he ever ventures to Derby. His proposal that, if a bill isn’t passed banning exposed breasts in a public place, blokes should feel free to cop a feel has got Daisy Leverington frothing at the hooters.

Daisy newborn

An innocent image of maternal love, unless you’re Josh Moore.

This week, New Hampshire State Representative Josh Moore set off my Almighty Cunt Alarm (ACA). This is usually reserved for people like Donald Trump, Mark from Ibiza in 2006, or the old fellow who frequents my workplace and tells me I look like his fat daughter-in-law. But the ACA is still ringing loud and clear for this guy, and what a guy he is.

Honestly, this dude is a belter. Josh Moore wants to grab your boobs, women! He wants to wait until your baby is hungry and just as you sit down to breastfeed – BAM! – he’ll be there having a twiddle like a pensioner trying to tune into the World Service.

And what man wouldn’t? The sight of my cracked, bleeding, milky nips was enough to send any males within 50 feet into a sexual frenzy, unable to contain their erections as they queued up for a feel while I breastfed in Debenhams. Honestly, I was swatting away stiffies like it was mosquito season.

OK, let’s put this into context: Moore wants to make public tit-grabbing a no-brainer, in as much as if a bill isn’t passed banning women exposing their nipples in public, said women shouldn’t be surprised if men get handsy.

In a recent Facebook post he said: “If it’s a woman’s natural inclination to pull her nipple out in public, than [sic] you should have no problem with a mans [sic] to stare at it and grab it.”

No more needing consent, gents; if this guy gets his way you can grab (as well as stare at, which apparently is FINE by him) any boob you like if it’s on display in public. Imagine!

Feeding her baby again

Josh Moore should probably know that Daisy is trained in fighting techniques.

The proposed bill to criminalise this kind of public ‘nudity’ is solely supported by Republicans (uh-oh) and backed by this tit-phobic monstrosity of a human. It states that a woman could be charged with a misdemeanour if she “purposely exposes the areola or nipple of her breast or breasts in a public place, and in the presence of another person with reckless disregard for whether a reasonable person would be offended or alarmed by such act.”

Breastfeeding women are exempt from this particular bill, but not from Moore’s counter. If this bill doesn’t pass, well Moore, like any hot-blooded Republican, just wants to be able to juggle your feeders until he’s entirely drenched in milk. At least, that’s what would have happened if he’d come anywhere near mine. That, and he’d still have my footprint on his fucking neck.

Interesting that it’s just women’s nipples that are deemed so damn dangerous for public morality, huh? Men’s nips are free to be kissed by fresh air without fear of molestation. The implication being that men’s nipples aren’t sexual. Come on! They don’t even have a function, FFS.

Can you imagine the sheer weight of panic these men must feel at seeing a boob, and not being able to get to it? Bless them! How do they cope with porn, I wonder? Perhaps Moore could draft a bill allowing him first dibs on any porn actress he sees; after all, if it’s her inclination to get naked then it must be his right to cop a feel, right?

Covered up for the time being, but dare he accept that NCT invitation?

Covered up for the time being, but dare he accept that NCT invitation?

After my own hard slog breastfeeding my little girl, I think I’m probably not taking this as seriously as it should be taken. The fact that someone in Moore’s position can make a public statement advocating this idiocy really shows what a fucked up and gender-imbalanced world we’re all trying to feed our screaming kids in.

If all of this comes to pass, I reckon we can successfully campaign for a new law called the ball-splitter. If a man helps himself to a honk, this simple move could redress the balance almost instantly: a swift kick up towards the ball sack would go a long way to making me feel better about the whole situation.

Josh Moore, I cordially invite you to the next new mums’ NCT meeting in Derby, England. I’ll greet you with a cuppa and a handshake (because we’re nothing if not friendly) and you are free to play with all the tits you like, providing the agonising pain from your broken testicles doesn’t put a dampener on your visit.

@daisyjoy

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Written by Daisy Leverington

Daisy Leverington - Actor, mother, expert at winging it.