Just come back from a long holiday? Or woken from a three-week coma? Fear not, here’s Hannah Dunleavy with a compressed history of the last 21 days.
Friday 24 June
Britain wakes to find it’s voted to leave the EU. Everyone looks shocked as fuck and wishes they’d got euros for their holiday sooner. People say they regret voting Leave. Some do it with their mouths. Boris Johnson does it with his whole body.
David Cameron resigns, resulting in confused feelings tummy ache. Labour starts machinating. Just in case we forgot they were a thing.
The stock market plummets and Nigel Farage says the stuff written on the bus won’t happen. Scotland starts talking about leaving. Which, bearing in mind we were this fucked and it wasn’t yet 10am, seemed fair enough.
Fate punishes Scotland anyway with a visit from Donald Trump.
Saturday 25 June
Leave figureheads disappear to the villages of Midsomer and the 48 per cent nurse a growing sense of denial. People say things like, “It doesn’t need to be binding, does it? DOES IT?” They sign a petition set by up by a Leave supporter in anticipation of a Remain victory. He gets pissy about it on Facebook.
Johnson is favourite for PM and Theresa May emerges as the ‘stop Boris’ candidate. People start openly admitting to having zombie apocalypse plans.
“Sarah Vine writes a column in the Mail about being in bed with her husband Michael Gove when… just no, the image is too much to stand.”
Everything starts to feels like it’s a scene from an epic play. To wit, Jeremy Corbyn finds out the coup brewing within his party is led by the son of his political idol Tony Benn.
Tom Watson is so upset he goes to have a little dance at Glastonbury.
Sunday 26 June
Johnson decides the best way to address the country is through his lucrative column in a right-wing newspaper. David Cameron gets called a traitor by a heckler at an event to mark British Armed Forces Day. Lots of black, Asian and mixed race people are heckled by dickheads on public transport.
Loads of people resign from the Labour Shadow Cabinet. No really, loads.
EU bigwigs ask when we are going to move our shit out of the spare room and are surprised to hear we’re not and are actually hoping for a fuck for the road.
Monday 27 June
Everyone goes back to work and has to do all the stuff they didn’t do on Friday when they were staring into space, arguing with loved ones on Facebook or Googling “how Irish do you need to be to get an Irish passport”.
People start to go a bit mad. Some even join the Liberal Democrats.
David Cameron says he’s not going to trigger Article 50. Douglas Carswell, under the impression his opinion matters, says binge watching on Netflix caused people to vote Leave. (No, me neither.)
Tuesday 28 June
Farage is booed by members of the European Parliament when he tells them they’ve never had real jobs.
People are forced to watch that bit from Live 8 when Ricky Gervais did the dance in order to feel less cringey.
Corbyn loses a vote of no confidence but refuses to resign.
Iceland knocks England out of Euro 2016.
Shit, is it only Tuesday?
Wednesday 29 June
Sarah Vine writes a column in the Mail about being in bed with her husband Michael Gove when… just no, the image is too much to stand.
Later, she accidentally (if you like) emails a member of the public to say Gove has doubts about his new BFF Johnson’s ability to be a PM.
Thursday 30 June
Dun-dun-der. And associated drama noises. Johnson crashes out of the race when Gove declares he’s running for the big job. Everyone thinks he’ll be shit at it. Even him.
A friend of Johnson’s tells a Sun reporter “Gove is a cunt”. For the first time in a week, the country has something we can all agree on.
Stephen Crabb throws his hat into the ring but faces early questions about opposition to gay marriage and links to Christians who try to fix gays. Because it’s not the Republican Primary just yet.
The erstwhile Liam Fox also decides to have a crack at it because he wants to “paint an optimistic picture of our country”. Dude, that’s what got us in this mess in the first place.
And then there was Andrea Leadsom. Andrea who? I know, I’ll get to that.
Britain spends the rest of the day transfixed by a gif of Gove clapping, so much so that reports surface of people forgetting how they actually used to clap.
Friday 1 July
A feeling of ‘where else could I live then?’ grips the country. Images of Justin Trudeau, the Canadian Prime Minister who lives inside Facebook, not being a treacherous dick cause Google searches of “take me there now” to soar.
The Daily Mail contradicts Vine’s claim it would back Gove by endorsing May.
French president François Hollande says that Brexit cannot be cancelled or delayed.
Wales gets into the semi-final of Euro 2016. People downgrade their Canada plan for Wales.
Saturday 2 July
Caroline Aherne dies. Which is sad.
Sunday 3 July
Nick Clegg (remember him?) calls for a General Election before Article 50 is triggered. Gove and Leadsom (an energy minister none of us have heard of) appear on The Andrew Marr Show.
“Monkeys realise that if they are ever going to rise up against mankind, this week is looking kind of good.”
The irony that the loss of EU funding means British scientists are further away than ever from perfecting time travel is almost unbearable.
Monday 4 July
Nigel Farage quits UKIP for the 400th (approx) time. Because he wants his life back. Just like the rest of us.
Angela Eagle tells Corbyn to step down or she will run against him. Johnson endorses Leadsom. How it is not August already?
Tuesday 5 July
Ken Clarke and Malcolm Rifkind are caught discussing how rubbish all the Tory candidates are while miked up for a TV news show. They mention Thatcher because two of the candidates are women. Then they talk about Churchill because the other candidates are male. Oh wait, sorry, no they don’t.
Wednesday 6 July
The Chilcot report is released. Yeah, we couldn’t believe it either. Corbyn apologises, Cameron (who is still a thing, apparently) says don’t let it make you think all military intervention is bad and Tony Blair says the same thing he’s been saying for the last 14 years.
In the US, the attorney general closes the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s private email practices with no charges.
Thursday 7 July
The world’s most cringe-inducing political march breaks out when a gaggle of Leadsom supporters walk about chanting. Monkeys realise that if they are ever going to rise up against mankind, this week is looking kind of good.
Crabb and Fox get voted off the Tory Factor and Gove loses in the dance-off to Leadsom.
Trump praises the ruthless suppression skills of Saddam Hussein.
Friday 8 July
US police officers are shot and killed by a sniper while policing a peaceful protest in Dallas. Angela Eagle says she’s going to stand in the Labour leadership election. Neil Kinnock urges people to join Labour in order to vote against Corbyn.
Tory and Labour MPs consider the last refuge of the damned – starting a new political party – in the event of Leadsom becoming prime minister and Corbyn staying as Labour leader.
Leadsom tweets that the front page of tomorrow’s Times is a lie.
Saturday 9 July
The Times reporter releases audio to Radio 4 that proves Leadsom did indeed say May had no stake in the future because she didn’t have kids. She also says feminism is about hating men. Twitter implodes.
Sunday 10 July
Claims suggest that John McDonnell isn’t averse to a split in the Labour Party. Careful what you wish for, mate.
Andy Murray wins Wimbledon.
A swarm of moths wins Euro 2016.
Monday 11 July
Leadsom drops out of the Tory leadership race because she can’t win and people have been nasty to her all weekend. Everyone wonders if it wouldn’t have been easier to elect a Tory leader via Wacky Races.
Eagle’s Labour leadership campaign launches from what looks like a beauty stand at a shopping centre. Robert Peston leaves, because he’s had his legs waxed already, only for Eagle to attempt to talk to him.
A little bit of all our dignity dies.
Tuesday 12 July
The Mail puts a picture of May’s shoes on the front page. Because women Prime Ministers.
Eagle’s office is vandalised ahead of a meeting of the Labour National Executive Committee to decide if Corbyn can be on the Labour ballot. He reveals he’s had death threats. The Committee eventually decides he can stand in a leadership contest.
The US version of Corbyn, Bernie Sanders, finally endorses Clinton for President.
Wednesday 13 July
David Cameron hosts final PMQs. Decidedly upbeat but manages not to hum.
Britain has a new PM.
All eyes turn to Labour.
Oh yeah, and that Brexit thing. Still a thing. Sadly.
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Hannah Dunleavy is the deputy editor of Standard Issue. She likes whisky and not having to run anywhere.