It’s official: Donald J Trump is the Republican candidate for US President, meaning King Baby HairDon’t has a 50/50 chance of shitting all over the playpen/pressing the big red button. Someone hold us, pleads Hannah Dunleavy.
It’s all go in the US, as the Republican National Convention has kicked off (literally) in Ohio. If you don’t know what it is, imagine the Tory Party Conference. Then take away 50 per cent of the coherency and add 75 per cent more morons. (Seriously, take a look at this video by the ever-wonderful Mother Jones in which they ask Donald “Make American Great Again” Trump supporters when exactly America stopped being great.)
This year threatened to be the most controversial Republican National Convention in living memory as the #NeverTrump brigade made one last push to prevent a billionaire fuckwit being given a 50/50 chance of getting his hands on the nuclear codes and Trump supporters… armed themselves (I shit you not, Ohio is an open carry state) – because nothing makes a better political point than Bikers for Trump turning up to claim they are there to help police the whole shitshow. Right? RIGHT?
“‘Donald Trump is a movement,’ said New York congressman Chris Collins as he seconded the formal proposal of the candidate. (I couldn’t agree more. Except in our house we don’t call them movements, we call them shits.)”
But let’s reverse a few days, as Trump finally announced his running mate in a process talked about by everyone with exactly the same terminology as they discuss who might win The Apprentice. Which, to be fair, is possibly correct, since usually the Vice Presidential job is much the same: you get a few spreads in the right-wing press, then stuck in a back room somewhere with a huge salary and next-to-fuck-all to do. (That said, this has been an especially competitive ticket to get on, given a lot of non-Trump supporters don’t believe he’ll make it the full four-year term without being impeached/getting bored and wandering off.)
The “winner”, Mike Pence, is – drum roll – a middle-aged white male, with establishment credentials; ironic given Trump’s oft-professed hatred for career politicians and given the amount of non middle-aged white males he allegedly flirted with the idea of giving the job.
So who the hell is Pence? He’s the Governor of Indiana, he thinks aborted foetuses should get a funeral and he thinks Mulan is liberal propaganda designed to make people think women should be in the army. That’s probably enough info to conclude he’s a total arsebucket/you want to stop reading this left-wing drivel.
The appointment has pissed off a number of people who see him as the worst sort of goal hanger, especially as they’ve spent the last few months with their heads tightly jammed up Trump’s rectum in an attempt to secure the position themselves.
These include Sarah Palin, who hasn’t gone to the conference because it’s too far away (says Trump), former Republican candidate Chris Christie who had become that guy that walks just behind the school bully sneering at poor kids, and 2012 candidate Newt Gingrich who had spent the previous week slagging off any Republicans who wouldn’t endorse Trump (such as Ted Cruz and the entire Bush family) and calling them bad losers. Which, I think we can all agree, is the only possible reason for not wanting an egotistical piss-blanket representing their party in the upcoming election.
Pence and Trump appeared together in an interview for 60 Minutes, which thankfully took only half that time. During it, Trump repeatedly gave Pence permission to speak, like he was a small child and then when Pence did speak, spoke over him.
So what did we learn, apart from that? Well, we learned that Pence supported the war in Iraq but that Trump actually believes he is allowed to make a mistake over that and Hillary Clinton isn’t. I can’t decide if this is because he’s making this shit up as he goes along, or because he’s a misogynist. Let’s split the difference and call it both.
“The much-vaunted celebrity appearances Trump has been promising turned out to just be Chachi from Happy Days, who’s facing controversy of his own after he called Clinton a cunt on Twitter.”
And we learned that Trump is continuing to stick with his statement that, prior to the invasion in 2003, he opposed the Iraq war. A lot of the US media has tried to find any proof of this but, as it’s incredibly tough to prove a negative, have come up short. What can be proved, however, by me and a few Google searches, is that his persistence in saying he was “one of the few people who did oppose it” has less truth in it than your average Jennifer Aniston pregnancy rumour.*
We also learned from 60 Minutes that Trump will declare war on IS and defeat them using no US troops on the ground, a trick I think even Derren Brown would be proud of.
Anyway, back to the Convention, and Melania Trump’s apparently plagiarised speech (from Michelle Obama) is grabbing all the headlines. Not even the much-vaunted celebrity appearances that her husband has been promising could distract from it. Possibly because it turned out to just be Chachi from Happy Days, who’s facing controversy of his own after he called Clinton a cunt on Twitter.
Last night, however, Trump did the unthinkable and won the nomination, beaming in from Trump Tower to accept as Christie whipped up the crowd which was shouting for Clinton to be jailed.
“Donald Trump is not merely a candidate. Donald Trump is a movement,” said New York congressman Chris Collins as he seconded the formal proposal of the candidate. (I couldn’t agree more. Except in our house we don’t call them movements, we call them shits.)
All of which reminds me that George Carlin said it best: “It’s called the American Dream because you have to be asleep to believe it.” I’m kind of glad he’s not alive to see all this.
*Here, if you’re interested, is just a few people for whom evidence exists that they spoke out/voted against the invasion of Iraq:
President Barack Obama
The Dixie Chicks
Samuel L Jackson
Former democratic presidential candidate Lincoln Chafee
Anthony Zinni, a retired US Marine General
Ted Kennedy, 20 other Democratic senators and the only independent senator
133 members of the House of Representatives
Foreign policy expert Morton Halperin
Ambassador Joseph Wilson, former chargé d’affaires in Baghdad
The Liberal Democrats
Two Archbishops of Canterbury
Limp Bizkit’s Fred Durst
400,000 people who marched in Trump’s home city of New York on February 13, 2003
Between eight and 30 million people marching in 60 other countries
Scott Ritter, a Nuclear Weapons Inspector in Iraq from 1991–98
Brent Scowcroft, National Security Adviser to George Bush Snr
Oh, and me. Suck it Trump.
Can’t understand how we got to this sorry Trump-infested state? Read all of Donkeys and Elephants here.
Hannah Dunleavy is the deputy editor of Standard Issue. She likes whisky and not having to run anywhere.