Written by Hannah Dunleavy

In The News

Donkeys and Elephants

Just when you thought there were no more shits to come out of the Republican arse, here comes Scott Walker, the most dangerous shitfest of all, says Hannah Dunleavy.

Illustration by Louise Boulter.

Illustration by Louise Boulter.

There was something about Scott Walker’s announcement that he would, indeed, be entering the Republican Primary that made me think of Kevin Spacey. Probably because I saw him in The Iceman Cometh, playing a character who, after being talked about non-stop since the start of the story, turns up late and is actually a worse human being than anyone could have imagined. Just like Walker. No, wait, sorry, I don’t mean The Iceman Cometh, I mean Se7en.

Oh yes, Contestant #15 is dangerous. Dangerous to the environment, dangerous to women, dangerous to your average working Jo/Joe. He thinks he’s Ronald Reagan but in fact he’s like an unholy lovechild of Richard Nixon and Margaret Thatcher, with all the charisma of his father and all the warmth of his mother.

The Governor of Wisconsin has big, big backers (the aptly named Koch Brothers, who are among the richest people in the world); he seems to be coated in Teflon (he’s the only US Governor to ever survive a recall) and he’s apt to kick the sort of people your average, good old-fashioned family-value Republicans like seeing get one in the teeth: the poor, teachers, ethnic minorities and women. He’s entered the race somewhere just short of pole position. Makes you wonder how long his luck can last. No, wait, sorry, I don’t mean how long his luck can last, I mean what crossroads he found that guitar at.

“The current ploompiest feather in Walker’s cap is the crushing of the working public, for whom a living wage, sick pay, guaranteed days off at the weekend or the opportunity to join a union are a fading hope.”

Walker, who’s a divisive name in his own state, is nothing short of horrific. But Hannah, I hear you say, if he’s such a threat wouldn’t he be better known here?

What do you want to know? He wrote a book about himself in 2013. It’s called Unintimidated. Hate him yet? No? In Wisconsin, he cut taxes for the rich and aid for the poor, then made it a hell of a lot harder for poor people to vote. He puts loads more people in prison and has failed to sign a single pardon. He signed a bill that meant women undergoing an abortion have to have an ultrasound beforehand where the technician explains to them exactly what the ultrasound is depicting. He cut spending on education and policing. Just last month, he relaxed gun laws so people no longer have to wait 48 hours to buy a gun and retired policeman can now carry concealed weapons in schools. You heard me, in fucking schools.

But the current ploompiest feather in Walker’s cap is the crushing of the working public, for whom a living wage, sick pay, guaranteed days off at the weekend or the opportunity to join a union are a fading hope. Yes, my friends, Scott Walker is a rectum. No, wait, sorry, I don’t mean rectum, I mean half-wiped, pestilent arsehole.

Speaking of which, like a spoiled sibling unable to cope with the arrival of a new baby, Donald Trump’s been busy shouting, “Everybody, look at me.” Oddly, he chose to do so by questioning whether former Republican nominee John McCain was actually a war hero, adding, “I like people who weren’t captured.”

If you don’t know about McCain’s life and you have the time, I suggest you read up on it. If not, maybe you could take my word for it that, regardless of what you think of his politics, or, indeed, regardless of the rights and wrongs of the Vietnam war*, McCain’s ability to endure five years of torture, go on to live a meaningful life and then rise above the barbs of this bouffanted dicksplash demonstrates the sort of fortitude that conforms to every known definition of heroic.

And yet the polls have Trump ahead, followed by Walker, followed by Bush. Heaven help you, America.

But hang on, here’s another entrant to the race; maybe Contestant #16 will be fit for the task. It’s Governor of Ohio, John Kasich. So, what do we know about him? Well, he was a managing director at Lehman Brothers’ Ohio office until its collapse.

That dream died fast, eh?

Until next time, friends, by which time I’m sure someone who used to run Enron will have entered the race. And Satan. And Big Bird.

* This year marks the 40th anniversary of the Fall of Saigon and there’s a cracking Storyville documentary on the BBC iPlayer – Last Days in Vietnam – for about another three weeks if you’ve the time/interest.

@funnypunts

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Written by Hannah Dunleavy

Hannah Dunleavy is the deputy editor of Standard Issue. She likes whisky and not having to run anywhere.