Written by Hannah Dunleavy

In The News

Donkeys and Elephants

Been following the US Primaries? You should be, says Hannah Dunleavy, because one of these twats is going to end up in charge.

Santorum marries a dog

Illustration by Louise Boulter.

Just after my last column was published, 2012 presidential hopeful Mitt Romney, one of the few Republicans NOT exploring the possibility of entering this race, went one round in the ring with Evander Holyfield at a charity boxing match. He wasn’t at any real risk of getting punched, of course, although in truth, you’d probably lose fewer brain cells taking a hit from Holyfield than you would spending a few hours at the Republican National Convention.

I’m going to use that as our base level of normal from now on. If you find yourself reading and thinking: “What the hell is this madness? Why are they saying that? Who is that guy? Oh the humanity!” picture Mitt, pretending to knock out a former Heavyweight Champion of the World and remember that’s what passes for normal in the real world.

So, back at it. America’s got loads of hot topics for wannabe presidents to get their teeth into: the economy, healthcare, immigration, taxation, where all the water is going to come from, but the situation in Iraq does bear discussion, so it’s no surprise the media has been talking about… oh wait, they’re not talking about 2015 Iraq; they’re talking about the 2003 invasion of Iraq.

“Jeb Bush, who is still neither in nor out, but is definitely shaking it all about, defended his big brother’s decision to even start the war. Because he was told to do it by iffy intelligence from the CIA.”

Don’t get me wrong, there’s never been a point where I thought we should be having that war. And I don’t believe that now it’s done, we should forget about it. After all, those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it. Who said that again? Some olden days twat. Who cares?*

(*It was George Santayana. He also said, “Only the dead have seen the end of war.” See also the end of the argument that this is a Plato quote.)

I just don’t see the point in asking people who might one day be in a position to do something about the future of a country, what they would do if they had a time machine. Particularly when they’re only going to give you a politically expedient answer. You might as well ask them if they’d have bombed Pearl Harbour.

Hillary Clinton voted in support of the war, so deemed the issue pressing enough to actually answer a question on it, the first time she’d spoken to the press for an impressive 28 days. Should’ve tried for 40 Hills, it might’ve won you some votes in the Bible belt. Clinton’s now saying she wouldn’t have voted in favour of the war, had she known what she knows now. Which is probably all she can say.

Marco Rubio, on the other hand, fluffed his answer on Fox News, cogently stating his position, until someone pointed out it was different to another of his recently stated positions. At which point he made it clear that saying you wouldn’t have done something and saying it was a mistake aren’t the same thing, they’re not, that’s quite clear, err, *fake phone noise* sorry, I have to take this call.

Jeb Bush, who is still neither in nor out, but is definitely shaking it all about, defended his big brother’s decision to even start the war. Because he was told to do it by iffy intelligence from the CIA. This theory poses a problem to conspiracy theorists, who will clearly love this idea that the CIA really run the US, but not that it comes from a Bush.

It also poses a problem to me as I was under the impression it was God who told Bush to go to war. And he doesn’t have bad intel. He didn’t pop back to see Noah a few weeks later and say: “Bad news mate. I got it wrong, turns out there’s actually going to be a drought. Probably best find some water for all those animals.”

Elsewhere, Clinton’s facing calls for her impeachment**, with a petition garnering more than 30,000 signatures. Which means it probably isn’t a great worry to her. Although if it does take off she’s going to have to take action. Or punch a subordinate and hope for a counter-petition; that usually does the trick.

(**Three issues here, all of which are too complex to go into. But if you’re interested, search ‘Clinton Benghazi’ ‘Clinton Cash’ and ‘Clinton email server’. And then maybe ‘kitten tries to walk upstairs’ for a bit of light relief.)

“I’m going to be fair to Rick Santorum and say that he has some moderate views, well one moderate view, in that he thinks the US overuses the death penalty. On just about everything else, he’s batshit.”

Meanwhile, the big news among the Elephants is that Rick Santorum has announced he does see space for himself in the Republican race. Well, no one’s said anything offensive about black people for a while, so maybe he’s got a point.

I’m going to be fair to Santorum and say that he has some moderate views, well one moderate view, in that he thinks the US overuses the death penalty. On just about everything else, he’s batshit.

He’s anti-feminism, anti-green policies and anti-contraception. He doesn’t believe Palestine exists (yes, you did just read that) and he thinks the Crusades represented core American values. So his history’s for shit too.

But perhaps his clearest beef is with – you’ve guessed it – the gays. Because if you permit that nonsense (and I’m paraphrasing here), it’s a slippery slope, at the end of which he’ll be forcibly married to one of his mother-in-law’s dogs. And not even one of the lady ones.

Kind of makes you hope the CIA are running the country, right?

Treat yourself to some past Donkeys and Elephants

@funnypunts

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Written by Hannah Dunleavy

Hannah Dunleavy is the deputy editor of Standard Issue. She likes whisky and not having to run anywhere.