Written by Hannah Dunleavy

In The News

Donkeys and Elephants

The US presidential race continues to hot up. As Hannah Dunleavy reports, it’s goodbye to Jeb! Bush, ‘what, you’re still here?’ to Ben Carson, and waving crucifixes and flicking holy water at Donald Trump.

Bush dynasty Russian dolls

Jeb! Bush illustration by Louise Boulter.

Jeb! is the new David Miliband (or should that be Ed?)

Ah, it’s back to the drawing board for Bush the Younger, who pulled out of the race when his ‘slowly but surely’ approach failed to guarantee success any sooner than 2064. A lot of his problem was the triumph of mixed messages achieved by constantly reminding us he was ‘his own man’ while also reminding us he would’ve been the third Bush in the White House.

There was an audible gasp at the South Carolina Primary after-party where he announced the news. Not sure if it was the surprise or the idea of being one step closer to a Trump Victory. Bit of both maybe. Way to ruin a party, Jeb!.

Carson is the new Derek Redmond

Dr Ben is still in the race, if you can believe it, which, frankly, no one can. Despite appalling turnout at the polls, Carson’s doing the political equivalent of sitting in his car until the parking ticket runs out. And using the time to call in podcast appearances. Come on Ben, we’ve all got other things we can be doing.

Kasich is the new 1950s

John Kasich continues his campaign to present himself as someone very moderate (he’s not, of course, but he is still a better candidate than most). For the most part it’s working, but he slipped up this week when he talked about women leaving their kitchens to vote for him in the 1970s. He apologised and pointed out he’s employed a lot of women in his time.

“Is Marco Rubio even eligible to be President? Well thank God that’s come up; that single moment in the last 10 years of US politics where someone wasn’t obsessing about eligibility was starting to get dull.”

If it doesn’t seem a major mistake, you’re right, but it does give people – exactly like I am about to now – the excuse to point out how not moderate he is on women’s issues. I admire his determination to talk about issues, rather than the Bible, but there are problem cracks showing. Whichever use of the word crack you choose.

Cruz is the new Dick Dastardly

Ted Cruz was branded a liar by Trump and slammed by the other candidates – and had to sack a spokesman – after a dust-up over the Bible. You heard me. It sparked controversy after the Cruz campaign circulated a copy of a video in which Marco Rubio appears to be dissing the Bible, when he was, in fact, going on about how brilliant the Bible was. You heard me.

It’s both a perfect example of the game Cruz is playing and of the differences between our two nations. Here’s what ‘really happened’ here.

Rubio is the new Obama

Is Marco Rubio even eligible to be President? Well thank God that’s come up; that single moment in the last 10 years of US politics where someone wasn’t obsessing about eligibility was starting to get dull. Cruz, born in Canada, has had his fair share of it, but Trump’s Eye of Mordor has now fallen on Rubio. The senator was born in Florida, but his parents were not naturalised citizens at the time.

Does this mean he’s ineligible? Here’s what Trump, head of the Obama Birthers, had to say on the matter: “I honestly have never looked at it. As somebody said, he’s not. And I retweeted it.” So many words, so little time.

The official word is that both Cruz and Rubio are eligible and think Trump’s just being Trump, by which they mean a dickhead.

Trump is the new Trump

It’s getting to the point where you literally can’t tell the facts from the things being made up on the spot. And by that I mean both what he is doing and what I am about to do now:

Donald Trump tells heckler he’d like to punch him in the face. Trump claims he could shoot someone and no one would care. Trump has a dust-up with the Pope. Which is true? ALL OF THEM. Because as anyone even vaguely interested in satire can tell you, you cannot make this shit up.

“Despite appalling turnout at the polls, Ben Carson’s doing the political equivalent of sitting in his car until the parking ticket runs out.”

After being called unChristian by Francis, Trump replied with a statement (unusually, it was pre-prepared, although I’m assuming not proofread given the inexplicable tense it is written in).

It started: “If and when the Vatican is attacked by ISIS, which as everyone knows is ISIS’s ultimate trophy, I can promise you that the Pope would have only wished and prayed that Donald Trump would have been President because this would not have happened. ISIS would have been eradicated unlike what is happening now with our all talk, no action politicians.”

Well, that would have made it all perfectly clear. If it had done.

No, wait, Bernie Sanders is the new Obama

Yes, it’s 2008.2 in the Democratic race, with it all too close to call and even the arrival next week of Super Tuesday seemingly failing to open a sizeable gap either way. Sanders launched a new advert endorsed by Spike Lee; Clinton’s picking up female celebrities by the dozen with the #imwithher campaign.

This is going to be a long one.

Read all of Donkeys and Elephants here.
Listen to the D&E podcast with Hannah, Sarah Millican and Kate McCabe here.

@funnypunts

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Written by Hannah Dunleavy

Hannah Dunleavy is the deputy editor of Standard Issue. She likes whisky and not having to run anywhere.