Written by Hannah Dunleavy

In The News

Donkeys and Elephants

Bored of UK politicians spouting the usual platitudes? Then look to the US Primaries; as Hannah Dunleavy explains, it’s some of the most fun you can without having to vote for one of ‘em.

Illustration of Donald Trump with his hair being blown by a fan

Illustration by Louise Boulter.

Donkeys

There’s been plenty of seemingly contradictory reporting on the economics of Hillary Clinton’s campaign in the last two weeks, with the Huffington Post saying Team Hillary for America is aiming to raise $100m and Politico that she’s being a penny-pincher and keeping costs down. (Or is £100m a primary on the cheap?)

No matter how frugal Clinton’s being she can’t just sit round waiting for one number and hoping some other bastard doesn’t shout “house!” She gave a rousing speech at the Women in the World Summit, in what was considered her election opener. She said she was going to do a lot for women, which is provident because there’s a lot to do.

Much like the hunt for Tyrion’s champion, there’s not been a great swell of people volunteering to stand against The Mountain of Clinton, but other Democrats are calling for someone to step forward in the interests of democracy. Although that’s easy to say if you don’t have to get punched in the face. To the tune of £100m. And that’s provided you keep a tight rein on the paperclip budget.

To be fair, there are two other people already in the race. Jeff Boss is a 9/11 truther who once stood for Governor of New Jersey, where he got 0.1% of the vote. Possibly because there’s only one Boss in Springsteen country. But more likely other reasons.

Then there’s Vermin Supreme, who wears a long boot on his head, which makes him no more or less sane than any of the Republican candidates but likely prevents him from going near helicopters. This is probably a deal-breaker in a modern presidency.

One likely candidate is former Republican Lincoln Chafee (chay-fee, like an ill-fitting bra). But, in truth, Clinton’s biggest opposition is the imminent arrival of Peter Schweizer’s Clinton Cash, a book which threatens to reveal all sorts about all sorts.

More on that shit when it hits the fan.

Elephants

The notion that multi-millionaire, reality TV star and aggressive golf club opener Donald Trump may announce his candidacy in the Republican Primary continues to hang around like the smell of fox shit on trainers. Running or not, he’s got a lot to say. His official Twitter account retweeted (and later deleted) something questioning Clinton’s ability to be a President. How, it pondered, could this woman satisfy a whole nation if she couldn’t even satisfy her husband. You can see the point, yes? How can a woman be trusted with a First World economy if she doesn’t even know how many blowjobs is enough blowjobs? That’s Presidency 101 stuff.

“I can’t take Trump seriously. Especially since it occurred to me that Air Force 1 is probably also the DEFCON 1 of the Donald Trump Hair Movement Scale.”

Just a week later, Trump was calling for the resignation of a writer who’d said the tycoon “tweeted like a 14-year-old girl”. Not because it offended Trump, naturally, but because it was offensive to women. That was very noble of him. It also saved us the time of being outraged ourselves. And thank heavens for it. We’ve got dinner to get on. And those cocks aren’t going to suck themselves.

Personally, I can’t take Trump seriously. Especially since it occurred to me that Air Force 1 is probably also the DEFCON 1 of the Donald Trump Hair Movement Scale.

No other new entrants to the Primary yet, but fret not, there are some perennial candidates to gawk at.

One such is Lowell Jackson ‘Jack’ Fellure, who has stood in every primary since 1988. He once produced a copy of the Bible as a manifesto. He knows the truth: the world’s gone to the dogs because of atheists, Marxists, liberals, queers, flag burners, dope addicts, sex perverts and anti-Christians. (Seriously, if you’re not on that list you’re not trying hard enough.) He also singles out draft dodgers for rebuke. So, he’s keeping it current.

Disproving the theory that’s there’s always one, Fellure got a whopping 36 votes in the New Hampshire primary in 1991. He believes it was because George Bush Snr’s campaign got more attention from the media. (Yes, hard as it is to believe, there was once a time and place where a Bush was talking most sense.)

Speaking of Bush, still no word from Camp Jeb. There are a few other announcements expected in the next week or so, including one from Ben Carson, a former neurosurgeon and the first person to separate twins joined at the head. You couldn’t make this shit up.

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Written by Hannah Dunleavy

Hannah Dunleavy is the deputy editor of Standard Issue. She likes whisky and not having to run anywhere.