Written by Hannah Dunleavy

In The News

Donkeys and Elephants

As the Iowa Primary looms, Sarah Palin climbs into bed with Fuckface Von Clownstick (aka ‘The Donald’ or ‘The Trumpster’) and Jeb Bush is baffled by an accessory. But what about those dancing girls, asks Hannah Dunleavy.

Trump's dancing girlsTed Cruz and the fighting talk

Recently, it seems everyone who’s criticised Donald Trump has fallen in the polls. So it’s understandable that Cruz has refused to enter “a cage fight” so far. (Obviously and sadly, not a real cage fight, although I’m not certain this isn’t how presidential primaries will be decided in the future.)

However, Cruz, who is increasingly under scrutiny over his citizenship, having been born in Canada, has vowed to come out fighting, but keeping to issues not personal comments. Bearing in mind Trump’s been praising North Korea, this is very restrained. What, what?

Yes, so it turns out Kim Jong-un’s not such a bad guy. Who knew?

An enemy’s enemy might be a friend after all, Donald Trump decided, allowing his ever-simmering distrust of the Chinese to spill over into praise for how the homicidal North Korean despot goes about suppressing his people. That’s some highly efficient dictatorship right there. Makes you wonder who or what Trump could possibly praise next. SARS maybe. That’s still a threat to China, right?

“The USA Freedom Kids have been compared to everything from The Hitler Youth (some media) to the sensation I felt when I realised too late that my cat had somehow managed to be sick in the pocket of my jeans (me).”

Donald Trump has also said when he is President he will get Apple to “start building their damn computers and things” in the US, a piece of iShit which I assume will put up the cost of iTech and reduce the value of iShares and, of course, never happen for those very reasons.

And Trump’s got another friend in a high place

OK, not a high place, unless of course you count her behaviour, which is somewhere between stoned and full-on trippy. Oh yes, Sarah Palin, supermom and foreign policy dimwit, has stepped forward to endorse Trump. Which is a bit like being told he’d make a really good bank robber by the dude from Dog Day Afternoon.

And what about those dancing girls?

What in the good name of perpetual fuck was that? The USA Freedom Kids have been compared to everything from The Hitler Youth (some media) to the sensation I felt when I realised too late that my cat had somehow managed to be sick in the pocket of my jeans (me).

The youngsters, led by Jeff Popick, who was once a fall guy on The Fall Guy, seem to be aiming for that sector of the market called ‘Dictator Pop’.

They get their name, he says, because he wants “Freedom for everyone” (Really Jeff, even the Muslims?). The song features lyrics that make Chris Martin look like Holland-Dozier-Holland. (“Cowardice! Are you serious? Apologies for freedom? I can’t handle this.”) I believe you can buy it on iTunes. Sweet baby Moses.

But enough about Trump, what about the Democrats?

Yes right, the Democrats. They had a televised debate. On a Saturday night. No one watched it, because, you know, Saturday night. Here’s a little tip: maybe get some girls to dance around singing about crushing your enemies.

And how did Jeb Bush spend his Saturday night?

I don’t know, but probably learning how to use his iWatch. USA Today got this wonderful piece of footage when Bush’s wrist-gadget started to ring during an interview and his eyes nearly popped out of his head.

He also perfected his ‘doddery grandpa’ on the election trail by confusing Malia Obama and Malala Yousafzai.

No matter, it’s not like he’s got his fingers on any other buttons – yet.

Read all of Donkeys and Elephants here.

@funnypunts

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Written by Hannah Dunleavy

Hannah Dunleavy is the deputy editor of Standard Issue. She likes whisky and not having to run anywhere.