Written by Hannah Dunleavy

In The News

Donkeys and Elephants

We might’ve all been in a food coma the past few weeks, but the bullshit never sleeps in the US primaries. Hannah Dunleavy gets us caught up.

Donald Trump illustration by Louise Boulter.

Donald Trump illustration by Louise Boulter.

Lindsey Graham drops out of the Republican Primary

The South Carolina senator has thrown in the towel, which is hardly surprising as he’s made as much impact in this race as I would in the 100m final for men. In the long run, his departure is roughly the equivalent of losing a jumper you never wear; unless you see it in a photograph you’re going to forget it even existed. In the short term, however, it has left a lot of votes in the key state of South Carolina up for grabs and everyone is keen to mop them up.

Bernie Sanders declares a war on golf

Well, not quite. OK, not at all. More correctly, Donald Trump is saying it. So it’s definitely not complete lies. Speaking in South Carolina, of course, the candyfloss bouffant-ed reality TV star told the crowd: “This guy [Sanders] wants to raise your taxes to 90 per cent. No, no, think. You’ll have to move out – I love this area by the way, I’ve been here many times. Great golfing area, right? We love it. No more golf – no more golf. You won’t have any golf any more. You won’t have any money left to be golfing.”

And people say he’s so easily distracted he can’t finish a coherent… seriously, no money left to be golfing? Would someone please think of the children?

Where Bill Clinton’s put his dick is deemed a valid point of attack on Hillary

Yeah, that’s Trump again. It’s almost like running for the Republican nomination is taking up all his wank time so he’s started to do it in public.

Ted Cruz and Rand Paul want to adopt polygamy

Of course they don’t. But this isn’t Trump, it’s stalwart irrelevance Rick Santorum who continues to hang on in this race like one of those things round a sheep’s bottom. It’s another of his state of the nation morality panics, stemming from his ardent belief that Gay Marriage Street leads to Incest Way, Whose Arm Even Is That Avenue and Compulsory Bum Sex Boulevard.

The early state primaries – which kick off in Iowa at the end of the month – are going to shake debris out of the race like an upturned keyboard. I’d imagine Santorum will tumble early like so much cat hair and biscuit crumbs.

“President Obama’s announcement that he was taking unilateral action to close some loopholes on gun ownership hasn’t gone down well with anyone in the Republican race, but Huckabee’s certainly got the bit between his teeth, calling it ‘a blatant, belligerent abuse of power.’”

O’Malley has a signature problem

Former Maryland Governor Martin O’Malley has suffered another setback (one more and he’ll be so far behind he’s in front) when officials in Ohio said he failed to submit enough valid signatures to appear on the state’s Democratic primary ballot in March. Uh-oh.

O’Malley submitted 1,175 signatures – 175 more than required – but officials said only 772 were valid. No word on what invalid actually means. Maybe you had to stay within the box like those passport forms; maybe he’s gone full on Chartist. No matter, the effect is much the same: he can’t win. But we knew that anyway.

Ben Carson campaign does its bit to provide new jobs, by all resigning

Campaign manager Barry Bennett, deputy campaign manager Lisa Coen and communications director Doug Watts all stood down from their posts on New Year’s Eve. That’s rom-com timing guys.

The former neurosurgeon was doing well in the polls, until he wasn’t, and he’s also facing questions as to the veracity of his childhood tales of violence and anger. I think it tells us everything we need to know about the timbre of this race that Carson could yet be bought down for NOT having threatened to hit his mum with a hammer.

Bob Dees, a foreign policy adviser to Carson, is now the campaign chairman, and if he does as good a job of that as he did of teaching him about foreign policy, we’re at least guaranteed a few big laughs before the wheels completely fall off.

Speaking of which, the Republican candidate is not concerned, saying the move was needed to jumpstart his campaign. Just like my car exploding really jumpstarted my walking campaign.

Jeb Bush is a bit confused

Bush responded to a question about Tamir Rice, a 12-year-old African American shot and killed by a police officer last year, by saying: “I think that Chicago’s got a lot of work to do to rebuild trust.”

Except, of course, the shooting (which a grand jury has decided not to indict the police officer over) happened in Cleveland.

“Oh, I’m sorry. My bad,” Bush replied, which is probably the closest anyone is going to get to apologising in this case.

“The early state primaries are going to shake debris out of the race like an upturned keyboard. I’d imagine Rick Santorum will tumble early like so much cat hair and biscuit crumbs.”

Kasich gets a seat on Air Fuck One

Ron Burkle, a friend of former President Bill Clinton and one-time supporter of Hillary Clinton, has – dum, dum, der – announced he will be supporting Republican John Kasich for president in 2016. OMF-ingKer-chingG.

Burkle’s a liberal billionaire with a lifestyle I’ve seen described in the US media as anything from eccentric to creepy. He’s apparently got a plane which is known among his staff as Air Fuck One, so I’ll leave you to decide which it is.

Mike Huckabee, Constitution, America. Yeah, you know the rest

President Obama’s announcement that he was taking unilateral action to close some loopholes on gun ownership hasn’t gone down well with anyone in the Republican race, but Huckabee’s certainly got the bit between his teeth, calling it “a blatant, belligerent abuse of power.”

Meanwhile Smith & Wesson shares are at a decade-long high, largely thanks to a huge rush to buy guns after the shooting at a Christmas party in San Bernadino. But it’s definitely about the Constitution, right Huckabee? And nothing to do with lobbying from the gun industry.

There is no Republican War on Women. I repeat, there is no Republican War on Women

Carly Fiorina is a feminist. It’s important that she remind us of this because of all the other stuff she says, which is, um, not feminist. The only woman in the Republican race continues to slam Hillary Clinton for calling out sexism. Fiorina said on Fox News’s Fox & Friends: “She’s going to play that card, we need to be realistic, and of course she’s going to talk about the Republican war on women, which doesn’t exist.”

So, at least she’s kept her sense of humour in all this. Speaking of which, who the hell is “friends” with Fox? That’s something to think about until next time. Good luck.

@funnypunts

Read all of Donkeys and Elephants here.

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Written by Hannah Dunleavy

Hannah Dunleavy is the deputy editor of Standard Issue. She likes whisky and not having to run anywhere.