Written by Hannah Dunleavy

In The News

Donkeys and Elephants

Don’t get Hannah Dunleavy wrong, Donald Trump is an absolute flangepanther, but he’s not the worst danger to women in the Republican Primary. Not by a long shot.

Illustration of Donald Trump with his hair being blown by a fan

Illustration of Donald Trump by Louise Boulter

The Fox News debate appeared to wake up a lot of the British media to the Republican race and Ive seen a screed of pieces in the past fortnight marking Donald Trump out as a huge danger to women.

Now, it should go without saying, but just in case it doesnt, I want to see the man succeed about as much as I want to see the words anal polypson my medical notes. Im under no illusions. He has zero respect for women, in the same way he has zero respect for Mexicans, or indeed any foreign people, or indeed any people full stop, especially if they dare ask a question about what his policies actually are. (To be clear, he absolutely definitely has policies but he doesnt want to show them to anyone just yet. Much like Mussolinis air force. Now how did that end again?)

Trump seems to have the emotional maturity of a teenage boy raised in an airing cupboard who was allowed out once a week to sniff an old bra and watch one episode of Dapper LaughsOn The Pull. The wonderful news site Mother Jones recently suggested the real estate magnate has ADHD and I think theyre onto something, but it doesnt make him any more sympathetic. Hes a king-sized goober with an ego twice the size of his heart and a mouth three times bigger than his brain.

HOWEVER, painting the man as the worst danger to women is a mistake. And a big one. There are far, far more scary dudes out there. And a lot of them are also running to be next President.

“Trump seems to have the emotional maturity of a teenage boy raised in an airing cupboard who was allowed out once a week to sniff an old bra and watch one episode of Dapper Laughs’ On The Pull.

Take Scott Walker, whos decided to mimic a lot of Trumps more racist policies in an attempt to cling on to his juggernaut. He thinks women should die rather than be allowed to have an abortion. Oddly, hes opted to describe this stance choosing life.

Ditto Marco Rubio, who doesnt think the Government should be all up in peoples business, but does think it should be all up in their uteruses. Get birthing or die trying.

Or try Mike Huckabee, who thinks women who swear are trashy (the bollock-head) and that allowing them access to contraception suggests they cant control their libidos. And lets not forget his defence of and fundraising for Todd Akin, the guy who said rape victims dont get pregnant because “if it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.”

Or what about Jeb Bush? He failed to veto a notorious act which wanted to compel women giving up babies for adoption without knowing for certain who the father was, to take out an advert in their local newspaper, once a week for a month, advertising their sexual histories. Shame them dirty bitches Jeb, shame em.

And lets not forget Rick Santorum who doesnt think women should have access to contraception. Or feminism.

Yes, Trump is an ass-hat, spreading his moronic and sexist ideas about women, their bodies and their periods. But the Republican Primary is a jungle, riddled with danger. Dont get eaten by a tiger because you were too busy looking at a monkey having a wank. Is all Im saying.

@funnypunts

Check out all of the Donkeys and Elephants columns here.

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Written by Hannah Dunleavy

Hannah Dunleavy is the deputy editor of Standard Issue. She likes whisky and not having to run anywhere.