Written by Sooz Kempner

In The News

A rock solid partnership?

Artist Tracey Emin has announced her marriage to a rock. The news got Sooz Kempner thinking about her own potential inanimate suitors. Time to buy a hat.

Photo of Tracey Emin by Piers Allardyce, courtesy of Wiki Common.

Photo of Tracey Emin by Piers Allardyce, courtesy of Wiki Common. Emin recently got herself  hitched to a rock.

Tracey Emin was tired of feeling lonely so she married a rock. Now, I haven’t actually read any of the articles on this but I have definitely seen a headline or two so I like to think I have a good understanding of the story. Felt lonely, married a rock. Go for it, Tracey! No judgement here. We’ve all felt so lonely we’ve just thought, “I’d marry a rock if it asked me to. Which it couldn’t so I’ll just marry it anyway”, haven’t we?

Please note, a rock can’t give consent which is a whole other argument/can-of-worms that ol’ Sooz is NOT going to open. Instead I’ve compiled a list of things I will consider marrying if I get real lonely like Emin did (again, haven’t read articles, don’t need to).

Packet of face wipes

You know what I like to do? Cover my whole face with a ton of makeup to hide my real face! You know what I also like to do? Take all that makeup off really fast later on! To do this I use a face wipe and without face wipes I’d have to get cleanser, cotton wool, maybe even run the tap. Er, no thanks! I have a lot to thank face wipes for (ever taken off your makeup in front of EastEnders? It’s the best!), and that’s why I consider them marriage-material.

A bag for life

“Sooz, why would you marry a bag for life?” Say that again and listen to yourself. There, question answered. How long is marriage for? For LIFE. How long is a bag for life for? For LIFE! Feel silly? Don’t beat yourself up over it.

Minesweeper

A puzzle game that’s come free with Windows since 1992 or a faithful, fun life partner? Well that’s very much up to you. But I already spend upwards of 16 hours a day with Minesweeper so I may as well just marry it.

Iceland

“Haha, Sooz you idiot! You can’t marry a country!” I suggest you quit your mockery because I have no interest in marrying the great nation of Iceland, that’s just silly. I have designs on the UK’s most underrated food emporium. Who wouldn’t want to be married to something that can give you a chocolate cheesecake that costs £2.99 but looks and tastes like it should cost £20? Stuffed crust pizza at Pizza Hut would cost you £10 but in Iceland you can get it for just £2. As you can tell I really, really love Iceland and I don’t think anybody would question an official Iceland-Sooz union.

Mazel Tov!

“I already spend upwards of 16 hours a day with Minesweeper so I may as well just marry it.”

A carpet at Wetherspoons

A surprising amount of effort goes into making a Wetherspoons carpet. Each and every Wetherspoons has its own unique carpet. And guess what? I don’t care which one I marry! I haven’t found a Wetherspoons carpet that’s disappointed me yet, wed me to any ‘Spoons carpet you like. I don’t discriminate.

Ennui

All the marriage options I’ve mentioned already are great and you’re probably wondering why I’ve even bothered coming up with a final life-partner possibility. But I hope you’ll all stand to honour the happy couple, Sooz Kempner and the concept of ennui. I would like to give the concept of ennui a sense of purpose and excitement, ie, me. And in turn, I would feel the joy and purpose that comes with giving ennui a sense of purpose and excitement. Call off the search! I’ll never be lonely again when I marry ennui. Can’t wait to double-date with Tracey and her rock. Our date-location choices will be limited of course. We can basically just chow down where the rock is (and as I haven’t read the article I don’t know where that is but I’m sure it’s somewhere nice).

Let’s all raise a glass to not being lonely anymore!

@SoozUK

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Written by Sooz Kempner

Funny Women Variety Award Winner 2012. ASDA Kate Bush.