Written by Hannah Dunleavy

In The News

Referendorama

So, now we know what happens in a referendum, Hannah Dunleavy looks at what we else we could vote on and what might happen.

IMG_0263The BBC

The Daily Mail heads up campaign to dismantle the BBC and replace it with a series of photographs of famous women. Viewers will be invited to vote on whether they are too fat or too thin. All money raised will be used to fund a reality TV show on Sky, in which Jeremy Clarkson punches his colleagues.

Likely result: Middle England rebels against the BBC. Cornwall asks whether Strictly will still be on.

The NHS

Buoyed by EU-ref success, BoJo bids to take on the tyranny of “experts” telling us what to do with our  own health. Reminds voters that if we all started dying younger, the pension time bomb would be defused.

Likely result: NHS privatised. Scotland starts investigating how The Wall was built in Game of Thrones.

Smoking ban

UKIP MEPs fleeing Brussels load up vans with cheap fags and hatch a plan on the ferry to make smoking a compulsory module in GSCE English. Because it never did them any harm. Tory backbencher coughs up lung on live TV to demonstrate his commitment.

Likely result: Britain lights up again. Bingo halls enjoy a resurgence. Man being interviewed live on TV says “I didn’t realise my vote would count” before selling his house to buy an asthma inhaler.

The Death Penalty

IDS throws his weight behind campaign to bring back capital punishment for murderers and the long-term unemployed.

Likely result: Turkeys vote for Christmas. Telegraph names Duncan-Smith as Man of the Year. Irish passports replace Sterling as the UK’s national currency.

The Monarchy

Yeah right.

@thatdunleavy

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Written by Hannah Dunleavy

Hannah Dunleavy is the deputy editor of Standard Issue. She likes whisky and not having to run anywhere.