Written by Various Artists

In The News

“10 things a good husband does”

OK, we KNOW we shouldn’t rise to the bait but, when we read a list of ideal husband qualities, our writers obviously couldn’t resist having a go themselves. Remember, ladies, this is definitive. You’ll never BELIEVE number 11…

Illustration by Louise Boulter.

Illustration by Louise Boulter.

Read the original list of ideal husband qualities here. If you must.

1. A good husband always avoids cliches. “I’m having an affair with my secretary,” is just so 1973. “I’m banging my business partner,” is much more up to date.

2. A good husband is definitely not the aliens from Space Jam stacked up inside a trench coat.

3. A good husband knows that a swarm of killer bees isn’t a good surprise gift, even if it is gift-wrapped.

4. As per the stock photos, a good husband must be a) white and b) have a beard.

5. A good husband is prepared to occasionally cross gender boundaries by doing the washing up without you asking. But don’t worry, he’d never wear a pink shirt.

6. A good husband likes to see you smile but he doesn’t street harass you. He doesn’t ask you how you feel, though; he’s not one of your girlfriends!

7. A good husband doesn’t look weary and trapped when you’re eating cheese with a spoon.

8. A good husband never goes to the shop for sanitary towels and comes back with incontinence pads.

9. A good husband knows the difference between “Mmm, your perfume smells musky” and “Mmm, you smell musty.”

10. A really good husband learns to lift his feet a few inches from the ground so he can get over an INCREDIBLY LOW BAR.

Sarah Ledger, Fiona Longmuir, Sarah Hendrickx, Ashley Davies, Taylor Glenn, Alice Sanders, Gabby Hutchinson Crouch and Dotty Winters

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Written by Various Artists

Some of Standard Issue's brilliant women's carefully crafted words for your reading pleasure.