Anneka Harry is training for a half marathon in October. Here’s what she’s learned about making it to the finish line rather than the pub.
It equates to at least three quarters of the way to an idea. Without my neon graffiti-print leggings or sweat bands, I don’t know where I’d be. Imagine if my wrists were left to sweat freely?
I do suggest you invest in some proper trainers, though: they prevent all manner of injury misery and will really help you look and feel the part. Unless you go for those gross shoes with the toes – then you will probably look and feel ridiculous.
Perfect your catcall comeback
After trialling an extensive back catalogue of insults, witty comments and return abuse, I have decided to establish the classic ‘middle finger’ as my comeback of choice. Save your breath: you’re going to need it. My grievances are now so deep, my reflexes so in tune, I can flick the middle finger from any angle before the predator has even hit the horn.
Don’t get too carried away, though. I recently had to turn my comeback into an overhead tricep stretch upon realising the beep was not for me but for an actual road-related incident. Wolf whistles and bile-inducing sexual comments are easier to recognise.
“I refuse to run around all willy-nilly; it makes me want to run home before I’ve reached the end of the road.”
Choose your underwear wisely
No matter your shape or size, there will be chaffing. Don’t punish yourself further by opting for a G-string; you may have to call out the emergency services to help you remove it and, let’s face it, they are stretched enough as it is.
Con people out of their hard-earned cash
It can be awkward asking people for money. This is Brexit Britain, for gawdsake! I find the best way to get people to sponsor you is to infiltrate their subconscious. That way they willhttps://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/ANNEKA-HARRYsponsor you without even realising they are punching their bank details in.
Eat whatever the hell you like
Something good has to come out of all this hard work. I only signed up to my run for an excuse to carb load. Commit to a calorie coma – you need the strength.
The ‘jelfie’ (jogging selfie) is not only a term I have just completely made up but it is also an entirely unnecessary practice. People need to see a photo of your sweaty face or screengrab of your running route as much as they do your dinner. Please don’t contribute further to the ever-looming end of humanity. Let’s end this madness together.
“My grievances are now so deep, my reflexes so in tune, I can flick the middle finger from any angle before the predator has even hit the horn.”
Run to the (leisurely) beat
Everybody thinks that pumping the big beats will boost your energy and propel you along like Usain Bolt. For me, feelgood tunes = fun times = alcohol. Avoid daydreaming about beer by filling your ears with a good podcast. I run to shows like Woman’s Hour, The Moth and Standard Issue (OBVIOUSLY.) All that inspiring content will stop you from detouring to the nearest pub garden.
Plan your route
I refuse to run around all willy-nilly; it makes me want to run home before I’ve reached the end of the road. Have a goal in sight, a task to accomplish, a place to be. I’ve meticulously planned a route to a most excellent Indian restaurant for dinner before now. More sensible suggestions include choosing to run to and from work or to the shops. Have fun, go mad.
Spread the (laboured) love
I like to pretend I’m having the time of my life while exercising by plastering a smile on my red face. Help fellow workout bods by flashing your gnashers or high-fiving their efforts as you pass by. If you smile wide enough, you might even convince yourself.
This one is important. Keep inhaling and exhaling and you will, quite literally, survive it. Breathe your way to the finish line, enjoy a huge sense of achievement and then you can finally breathe your way to the pub.
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Anneka Harry does comedy and hustling for a living. She smells like thrift shops and ambition. Stalk her here http://www.vivienneclore.com/artiste/anneka-harry/ and @Annekaharry.