Next week sees the release of Still Loved, a groundbreakingly honest documentary exploring baby loss. One of the parents in the film, Bethany Morris, shared her story with us.
“It’s OK, you can have another one.”
Those were the words that are so often uttered by means of consolation to families who’ve lost a child or children during pregnancy. Perhaps before we lost our precious twins, Harriet and Felicity, I might have unwittingly used them myself, had I been faced with a situation of baby loss. But hearing those words not a week after our loss made me realise something. They made me realise that the loss of a baby is a lonely, desolate experience. Nobody seems to understand or dare to try.
If, like ours, a baby is lost before it is born, to most people that baby doesn’t seem real, as they didn’t know it as a person. They had not spent months planning a future for their bump, they hadn’t agonised over names, they hadn’t seen that baby come to life on an ultrasound screen, talked to the bump, felt it kick, played it music.
To them it was merely a bump, a bump that can be replaced. Funny, isn’t it: if someone’s brother, mother, friend died, you wouldn’t tell them it’s OK, you can have another, would you?
“One in four pregnancies results in a loss and every day just in the UK 10 families are devastated by stillbirth. We should not have felt so alone in our loss, but we did.”
After giving birth to my silent little girls, it was this loneliness that I found so hard. I couldn’t be with my friends anymore; I was scared to leave the house in case I saw other babies or pregnant women; I couldn’t even be with my family as their lives were continuing while mine felt as though it had fallen in to a dark pit.
But my girls made me find the strength. I refused to be quiet; I didn’t want to pretend they weren’t real. As they were born before 24 weeks they didn’t get a birth certificate. Technically they never even existed, so I wanted to make sure people knew about them and how special they were. To talk about them, to make their lives matter, even if that made people uncomfortable.
It was this need to create a legacy for my daughters, a need to make their voices heard and their lives matter that led my husband and I to share our experience as part of the Still Loved film. To break the silence of baby loss. The film is an uplifting story celebrating the resilience of the human spirit and exploring the complexity and reality for families surviving baby loss.
By sharing the very personal journeys of a number of families through grief, despair, determination and hope, the production company Big Buddha Films is giving a voice to this important issue and by doing so, we hope, making people more aware and more understanding.
Through our work on the film and through social media I found others who knew how this felt. Others who could help me see that one day there would be light again. People who helped my husband and I create a voice for Hattie and Flic and to spend our lives raising money to help prevent other babies being lost.
Our daughters have made me who I am now, and I am grateful to them for showing how to treasure what really matters. Please support your local screening of Still Loved and help us break the silence of baby loss. It is a story of hope in adversity and it may prepare you to have real empathy one day if you need to.
Still Loved will be in cinemas from 4 October and available on digital from 1 November. October is Baby Loss Awareness Month.