Written by Pippa Evans

Health

100 Days as a Biscuit: week four

Everyone loves biscuits at a party, right? On a plate, yes. This week Pippa Evans finds taking her biscuity face to an industry do less palatable.

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How much can a mascara addict miss mascara? The answer is A LOT. This has been a busy week. I’ve been working my ass off writing, jumping around on a stage and continuing to help people live better, help often, wonder more with Sunday Assembly. However, when helping others to live better, help often and wonder more, I’ve found myself living worse, snapping often and crying more. It’s manifesting in less sleep, increased wine-based stress treatments and less water until my face is starting to give people the message: ‘OVER ACHIEVER ALERT! GIVE THE GIRL A CERTIFICATE BEFORE SHE STARTS TO CRY AGAIN!’

My skin is sallow. My eyes are surrounded with bags. I have white wine face puff (this is a real thing – look – although I have, perhaps, given it a sexier name). I look like I work a crazy city job or save lives, rather than tell jokes for a living. (Speaking of which: did you hear about the one about the beautiful magician? She had a mascara wand… it doesn’t even work.)

I have become jealous of makeup wearers. There, I said it. I didn’t want to. I wanted to get through this being all, “What’s the problem, dudes? I am totes ok with this whole fresh-faced naked look.” But I hate the lack of variety. I long to paint my face with crayons and shadows. I want to choose to be Ziggy Stardust or Marilyn Monroe. At the moment I have two looks: tired and not tired. They very much correlate with how I am feeling. My face is my face.

When I interviewed Sali Hughes, I asked her if she would ever do a no makeup challenge for 100 days and she said, ”I wouldn’t do it. I go without makeup a lot, but I couldn’t do 100 days. I’d be really bored. I would actually feel something was missing from my mornings, my routines, from my life.”

That is exactly how I’m feeling right now. It seems crazy that I love it so much – more than I thought I did. Like that really nice boyfriend that you dumped because you listened to everyone else’s opinion of him instead of your own. Sorry, Tony.

This week, my agent had a big party to celebrate 10 years of Chambers Management. I felt a bit sick about going to said party without makeup on. Of course, I should have remembered that industry parties are just rooms of insecure people looking as secure as they possibly can by shouting and kissing and not really looking at anyone that they are talking to because they are too busy looking to see if there is anyone they would prefer to talk to.

So I just joined in the not looking and the kissy-shouting and drank a lot of champagne and did what any sane person does at a big party: found the four people I already knew and sat in the corner with them, eating cupcakes with my face on (YES! Icing with my face printed on it. Weird but strangely satisfying to eat your own face), while constantly catching the attention of the champagne man.

As is becoming a recurring theme in this experiment: nothing bad happened. Well, not as a result of the no makeup. Booze can give you potty mouth, can’t it? Yes it fucking can. But I hated that, yet again, I worried about my face and felt less than glamorous on approaching the room.

So here, ladies and possibly some gentlemen, are my top three tips to surviving a big party without makeup:

1) Wear an awesome outfit. I wore my bright orange jumpsuit just in case the casting director for Orange is the New Black happened to be in the room. I looked like a jaffa cake. Which seemed appropriate, given the name of this project. DO NOT START ARGUING ABOUT HOW JAFFA CAKES AREN’T BISCUITS!

2) Style your hair: it frames your face and makes a big impact. I went for a Judy Jetson-style bob. Futuristic and solid.

3) Smile: I mean, as Annie said, “You’re never fully dressed without a smile”. And she had a lot to cope with thanks to that terrible haircut.

4) Perfume: I found a new perfume recently that smells so good I fancy myself. If in doubt, spray your killer fragrance (does not apply to Lynx).

5) I know I can’t count.

6) At least when partying without makeup, you can pass out without the fear of smeared lipstick on your pillow and massive zits in the morning. There’s always a silver lining. But sadly, at this moment, no eyelining.

Biscuit I most resembled this week: white chocolate Jaffa Cake (I HAVE SEEN THEM; THEY DO EXIST)

Hours spent thinking about makeup: About 1 million.

Enquiries into my health? Still none.

Next week: Is it cheating if…

@IAmPippaEvans

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Written by Pippa Evans

Pippa Evans is a comedian, improviser and the co-founder of Sunday Assembly. She lives in London.