Written by Pippa Evans

Health

100 Days as a Biscuit: week 11

Christmas is a tricky time for any biscuit. Pippa Evans is no exception.

Pippa-as-a-Biscuit

Christmas is a tricky time for any biscuit – because it’s party, party, party! Sparkles and glitter everywhere! Woooo! Are you having fun? ARE YOU? Probably not enough!

Oh I do love parties. I like drinking and laughing and going, “Oooh I like your dress!” and “Oooh, is that the time?” and “Why is HE here? You promised he wouldn’t be. OH MY GOD!” Repeat. About five nights a week until Christmas day arrives and you sit slumped with your family around a lump of meat; skin sullen and puffy and with the slight concern that you may die at any moment.

This is the perfect example of when being an enforced biscuit – albeit self-enforced – feels, well, not nice. To go to a party without makeup feels like not joining in (we covered that before, here). But the hangover face… it’s not good. Everyone knows a hangover face: either green and ready to vomit, or red and sweating alcohol. Those alcohol sweats that no amount of Chance can cover up. Everyone knows you’ve been overdoing it, but worse: YOU know and that makes you sweat more Sweat + Guilt = NOT A GOOD LOOK.

Possibly controversially, I don’t believe you can effectively cover up a hangover face. I think any makeup you might be wearing will sweat off, leaving you looking like a worse version of yourself rather than a better one. Streaks where foundation can’t sit. Clumps where powder has been sucked up by sweaty pores. The puffiness makes the wrinkles more pronounced, which means you get creases in all the wrong places. You end up looking like Pat Butcher.

I always had a deep resentment of those women who could drink until 3am and then wake up at 6am to go to Pilates. How do they do that? How is it possible to do that? More to the point, why would you want to do that? How can you drink everything and then do an exercise class? I tried to do that at university: punish myself for drinking too much by going to the gym (issues, anyone?). It didn’t work; it just meant I vomited a lot on the rowing machine. And that isn’t a good look – with or without mascara.

Hangovers, however, have become such a big part of our culture that we now have products aimed directly at them. I was sent a free sample of a new vitamin pill aimed at drinkers (I got it in my Birchbox). I found this both brilliant and awful at the same time. Brilliant, because it suggests it can stop you getting a hangover, but awful because it means we are premeditated drunks. This is a product aimed at people planning to get trashed. And it’s sold in big bottles. We are planning our crazy drinking, now. When did it stop being a random, spontaneous thing?

You take three pills before you go out and thee when you get back. In the morning your urine is brighter than a Berocca waterfall; it’s luminous. Does it work? I don’t know if I could even tell you. I didn’t feel awful, but then I don’t think I drank enough to feel awful. So who is the winner? What I DO know is I got a fright when I went for a tinkle first thing.

There are articles dedicated to How To Hide Your Hangover. What is going on? We are now so obsessed with drinking, we are finding ways not to help people stop drinking, but to help them hide the fact they’re drinking more. Going to work hungover used to be a massive no-no. Is it now ok? And am I only finding this awful because I can’t take advantage of these makeup tips?

It used to be: “Try not to drink too much, but if you do, drink a pint of water before bed”.

Now we have pills and beauty regimes. You can even have a facial specifically aimed at people with hangovers. Has the world gone nuts? Sorry, I am very cranky this morning. Must be the absinthe I had on my cornflakes.

Hangover makeup: the beginning of the end? Or the ultimate no makeup makeup look? Answers on a postcard. But don’t scribble too loudly. I have a terrible headache.

Biscuit I most resembled this week: The wind is making me have a really pink face, so probably a pink wafer.

Number of hours thinking about makeup: Minimal

Enquiries into my health: Nowt – I obviously glow when full of booze

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Written by Pippa Evans

Pippa Evans is a comedian, improviser and the co-founder of Sunday Assembly. She lives in London.