Fiona Longmuir

Fiona Longmuir

Fiona Longmuir is a professional storyteller, reluctant adult and aspiring funny girl. When not getting naked in tube stations and binge-watching inappropriate TV shows, she can be found scribbling at the Escapologist's Daughter.


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Yes, First Minister

Andrea Leadsom recently revealed she thought feminism was about hating men. Has she not met Nicola Sturgeon, asks Fiona Longmuir.
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Atonement

Ever wanted to apologise for something but don’t know where to start? In a regular series where our writers atone for their past sins, Fiona Longmuir wants to finally admit to her dad that the time she fell through her mirrored wardrobe and giggled till she was empty, she was totally wasted. WHO KNEW?? (Everyone, Fiona, everyone.)
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Shout, shout, let it all out

Gemma Arterton may find it "boring", but feminism needs to be “stampy and shouty”, says Fiona Longmuir. Alright dear, calm down…
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Why I ❤️ Louise Rennison

The author of Angus, Thongs and Full-Frontal Snogging died on Monday. Fiona Longmuir would like to thank her for showing the reality of being a teenage girl and for making her laugh like a loon on loon tablets.
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Life in plastic now more fantastic?

The toy company Mattel is now making its Barbie doll in three different body types. It’s a welcome step, but there’s still further to go, says Fiona Longmuir.
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Great British mannerisms

Conservative MP Philip Hollobone is arguing that donning a veil prevents the wearer from engaging in great British traditions such as smiling and saying hello. Smiling? Bollocks, says Fiona Longmuir, we invented the stiff upper lip.
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Feel the Burns

Tonight is Burns Night, so we asked Fiona Longmuir to metaphorically raise her glass to the Bard of Scotland. (She’ll be doing it literally later.)
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Dear Overweight Haters…

Police are investigating fat-shaming cards being handed out on the London Underground. Fiona Longmuir wouldn’t like the perpetrator to fall into a volcano or anything. Would she?
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A novel month

November is National Novel Writing Month and Fiona Longmuir has decided to pick up the gauntlet and pen 50,000 words in 30 days. She’s going to need lots of tea. And a tiara.
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Fiona the teenage witch

In the lead-up to Halloween, Standard Issue is dropping a dose of spook each day. Today Fiona Longmuir remembers discovering witches were real and her attempts to become one.