Written by Sooz Kempner


Red carpet rights and wrongs

The Oscar noms are out. Film buff ‘Mystic’ Sooz Kempner digs out her crystal ball and casts her votes (remember, last year she totally got Birdman right when everyone said it would be Boyhood so just because she hasn’t seen half of them, shut up).


Cate Blanchett in Carol. Photo: Film4.

Best Picture

Some crazy omissions on this list. Inside Out really should have been there as it was one of the best movies of the year and where dafuq is Carol? Thought it was a shoo-in. Also surprised to not see Joy and The Danish Girl on the list, not because I thought they deserved it any more than other films but because they looked so damn Oscary.

It DOES mean that the list is real fucking strong for 2016; not an American Sniper in sight. It’s hard to pick a winner but I think it’s going to go to The Revenant. Could Iñárritu do the double? The most powerful film was Room by a country mile. It broke me in half.

Winner: The Revenant
What it should be: Mad Max: Fury Road/Room

Best Director

VERY strong category. So any of these five would be a worthy statuescooper (you can use that in everyday convo to make yourself sound like a real Oscars-guy to people). I really like seeing Adam McKay in there because he seems nice and we all enjoy Anchorman, don’t we? I just have a suspicion it’s Iñárritu’s turn again.

Winner: Alejandro González Iñárritu for The Revenant
Who it should be: Ben Affleck for Argo. Haha, guys. Tom McCarthy for Spotlight.

Best Actor

Confession – I haven’t seen Trumbo! So I haven’t seen Bryan Cranston rip it up as Mr Trumbo BUT I really like seeing his name up there. I’ve seen all the others, though, and come on, this is DiCaprio’s year isn’t it? Poor bastard was attacked by a bear; give him his statue. It’s getting embarrassing now. If he doesn’t win this year he’ll probably play a Jewish POW and get down to five stone to do it next year and nobody wants that. Please let him win.

Winner: Leonardo DiCaprio
Who it should be: Eddie Redmayne. I’m joking. I don’t want him to win again.

Brie Larson photo by Ian Smith, via Wikimedia Commons.

Brie Larson photo by Ian Smith, via Wikimedia Commons.

Best Actress

What the fuck is 45 Years?! I haven’t got wind of it and I ruddy love Charlotte Rampling. Chuffed to see her getting a nod and will check it out immediately.

Super-strong performances from the other four ladies. Lawrence and Ronan were all charm in their roles and Larson (Room) and Blanchett (Carol) broke my damn heart. Very tough to pick a winner…

Winner: Cate Blanchett for Carol
Who it should be: Brie Larson (by a whisker) for Room

Best Supporting Actor

This is an interesting category this year; very US vs UK. They’re all strong contenders but the big story of this year’s Oscars in general for me is Creed. I couldn’t get enough of it and to see Sly giving an Oscar speech would be pretty fucking sweet. So I’m crossing my fingers.

Winner: Sylvester Stallone
Who it should be: Sylvester Stallone. Give him a fucking Oscar.

Best Supporting Actress

There’s real nice variation in the supporting actress list this year. There’s everything from Jennifer Jason Leigh’s perfect scenery chewing in The Hateful Eight to Rooney Mara’s gay Audrey Hepburn angst. I reckon Winslet’s got this in the bag, which is a shame for the other chicks, especially Alicia Vikander who brought an awful lot more to The Danish Girl than was on the page.

Winner: Kate Winslet for Steve Jobs
Who it should be: Alicia Vikander for The Danish Girl

Will The Danish Girl win over this year's Oscar judges? Photo by Agatha A Nitecka.

Eddie Redmayne and Alicia Vikander in The Danish Girl. Photo by Agatha A Nitecka.

Best Animation

Is everyone over the fact Lego Movie didn’t get a nomination back in the day? Because I’m not. Particularly when I see that Shaun The Sheep has an Oscar nod. I hope Shaun The Sheep doesn’t win. I expect it won’t. Also, Inside Out was amazing and should have been nominated for Best Picture.

Winner: Inside Out.
What it should be: Inside Out. And The Lego Movie.

Best Documentary

We’re now into the categories where I haven’t seen them all. This happens every time I make my predictions, yet I always make the decision to plough on with the guessing. Fun to do and to read, (right everybody?). Out of the two I’ve seen (Amy and What Happened, Miss Simone?) it’s Amy by a mile. Have you seen Amy? It’s very sad. She was pretty good.

Winner: Amy
What it should be: Who knows? Amy probably. I miss Amy Winehouse.

Amy Winehouse

A nomination for Amy, directed by Asif Kapadia.

Best Foreign Film

I’ve seen one! I’ve seen A War. Very good it was too. Well done, A War.

Winner: A War
What it should be: A War! Come on, A War!

Best Documentary Short

I haven’t seen any of them and neither has anyone else; stop lying. Last Day of Freedom is a good title. It conjures up images of a guy on his stag night shouting “Last night as a single man!” when it isn’t, that was ages ago.

Winner: Last Day Of Freedom
What it should be: I wonder…

Best Animated Short

VERY glad to see that godawful Lava didn’t make it on to the list. What a pile of shit. Haven’t seen any of the others. I like the sound of World of Tomorrow. That sounds like it would have spaceships and dystopian stuff in it.

Winner: World of Tomorrow
What it should be: Anything but Lava, so anything really.

“Why is The Revenant in the Special FX category? There weren’t any visual effects. I definitely saw DiCaprio get attacked by a bear.”

Best Short

One is called Day One. I bet it’s about Adam and Eve being all “Day One! Here we are!” and God being like, “Er, guys, don’t go near the tree.” Pretty good stuff.

Winner: Day One
What it should be: The YouTube video of me suspending a Malteser in mid-air.

Best Editing

Mad Max: Fury Road was a real feat of editing and it’s getting my vote. To keep up such a relentless pace without it getting headachey or dull was pretty special.

Winner: Mad Max: Fury Road
What it should be: Mad Max: Fury Road

Best Adapted Screenplay

Another strong category and I’d give my vote to Carol. It missed out on Best Picture (WHAT!?) and really didn’t get anything wrong. Give the script an Oscar.

Winner: Carol
What it should be: Carol

Best Original Screenplay

Going to just come right out with it; Inside Out showed us that a) Pixar can be good again and b) a kids’ film doesn’t have to appeal to adults just by ramming in a clumsy reference to Porky’s or something. It probably won’t win and everything else is a worthy winner in this category but Inside Out… what a marvel.

Winner: Spotlight?
What it should be: Inside Out

Inside Out. Photo: Disney/Pixar.

Inside Out. Photo: Disney/Pixar.

Best Sound Mixing

The Martian had just the right levels of dialogue. I don’t really get sound mixing; how does anybody pick a winner? They’re all winners. How about that? Well done, everybody.

Winner: Star Wars
Who it should be: Everybody deserves this, what a good job everyone did.

Best Sound Editing

What even is sound editing? Why is it different from mixing? I dunno, Mad Max.

Winner: Mad Max: Fury Road
What it should be: Mad Max. What is sound editing?

Best Special FX

Why is The Revenant in this category? There weren’t any visual effects. I definitely saw DiCaprio get attacked by a bear. I’m giving it the prize just for the audacity of it even being nominated.

Winner: The Revenant
What it should be: The Revenant

Charlize Theron in Mad Max

Will Mad Max’s Max Factor pay off? Photo: Warner Bros.

Best Makeup

What is The Hundred-Year-Old Man Who Climbed Out Of A Window And Disappeared? I guess I will never know. Mad Max for the Oscar.

Winner: Mad Max
What it should be: I don’t know really; everyone’s hair has been looking great this Oscar season.

Best Costume

Carol Carol Carol. A thousand times Carol. If the film had been shit it still would have been a great watch for the costumes. The Danish Girl’s costumes were gorgeous too. The Revenant deserves a mention for dressing Leo up as a mountain guy.

Winner: Carol
What it should be: Carol

Mad Max must have involved a lot of production design. It had everything: a guy playing electric guitar and setting it on fire, everything.”

Best Score

I loved the score for The Hateful Eight. It was great to hear a new Morricone score and it fits a treat and was certainly the most memorable of the nominees. I’m not sure how it got nominated though because it has bits from other scores in it. Including The Exorcist 2. Heh.

Winner: The Hateful Eight
What it should be: The Hateful Eight

Best Song

Thanks to this fucking category Fifty Shades Of Grey is an Oscar-nominated movie. Are you proud of yourself, Academy? So another Bond film, another shit song wins an Oscar. Sam Smith is going to get that Oscar isn’t he? What a shower of bollocks.

For my money, it should be Lady Gaga’s Til It Happens To You, which was used to great effect in The Hunting Ground.

Winner: Writing’s On The WallSpectre
What it should be: Til It Happens To You – The Hunting Ground

Best Cinematography

Whole lot of beautiful-looking flicks in the cinematography category in 2015 but I think The Revenant is going to be the clear winner here. All filmed in natural light, it looks breathtaking. They really captured where that ACTUAL, REAL, DANGEROUS BEAR lived when it attacked Leo.

Winner: The Revenant
What it should be: The Revenant

Best Production Design

Wait… this is different to cinematography? I’m so out of my depth! Mad Max must have involved a lot of production design. It had everything: a guy playing electric guitar and setting it on fire, everything.

Winner: Mad Max
What it should be: I don’t bloody know… Mad Max probably.

Read the full proper list here


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Written by Sooz Kempner

Funny Women Variety Award Winner 2012. ASDA Kate Bush.