Written by Hannah Dunleavy

Arts

Last Night’s Watch

And so it is that the best thing that ever happened in Game of Thrones and the worst, occurred in the same episode. Hannah Dunleavy talks The Door. CONTAINS SPOILERS.

Yara (Gemma Whelan) and Theon (Alfie Allen) are drowned out. Photos: HBO.

Yara (Gemma Whelan) and Theon (Alfie Allen) are drowned out. Photos: HBO.

A girl goes to the theatre

Arya finally got to take a break from training to be the world’s most aggressive morris dancer to see a play retelling the tragedy of her father’s death. Which might not sound like comedy gold but very much was. If any story strand was in need of some industrial-scale levity it was this, and Kevin Eldon’s gloriously terrible impersonation of Sean Bean has gone right to the top of the list of my favourite things to ever happen in GoT.

The youngest Stark daughter is on a mission to kill someone (obvs), which might be unpleasant but surely has to mark the start of a turnaround in her story, which hasn’t moved forward in any meaningful sense since she left Westeros.

More Eldon please.

Hold the door!

And then there was that. Hodor. Lovely, gentle Hold-the-door biting the dust after Lord Byron Stark indulged his addiction with a spot of unauthorised warging, resulting in the death of everyone in his party except Meera, who is well within her rights to leave his spoilt little shit arse freezing in the snow. NOT THAT I’M ANGRY OR ANYTHING.

Hodor (Kristian Nairn) has left the building.

Hodor (Kristian Nairn) has left the building.

So long Summer, Rip Van Sydow & Co, and so long friendly giant. I’ll think of you every time I shout into a well.

“A bit brooding perhaps.”

GoT likes to tip the audience a wink every so often and nowhere more than here when Brienne gave her assessment of Jon “I like the wolf bit” Snow.

Most of what went on at The Wall was place-setting and planning, the most exciting development of which was that the Blackfish (who hasn’t been heard of since he left the Red Wedding for the most providently timed piss in history) is at the head of a new army. Hoorah!

The driftwood crown goes to…

Borgen Greyjoy, because he has a cock and a plan to marry The Unburnt. Although, seemingly, not a grasp on how many trees grow on the Iron Islands. Yara and Theon have paid the Iron Price for the fleet and what looked like nowhere near enough men to crew it. Unless they do, in which case, how was that not enough men to swing an election? In the meantime, nice work Gemma Whelan.

Jorah, heal thyself

So, post-blaze Daenerys has work to do – although she seems to have found the time to stop off at a Dothraki salon – not least deciding on whether to send Ser Jorah Greyscale away, or allow him back, or send him away, or allow him back. In the end, she chose the third way, sending him off on a mission to cure cancer (or similar) and/or spread the disease further afield.

“Kevin Eldon’s gloriously terrible impersonation of Sean Bean has gone right to the top of the list of my favourite things to ever happen in GoT.”

Lovely Shireen was cured of greyscale (by the Red Woman?) so it’s possible, although I can’t help but feel it’s the narrative equivalent of sending him to live on a farm. Still he did get the chance to tell her he loved her, which was as weird and creepy as we all thought it might be.

Other thoughts

Two origin stories in this week’s episode: ‘Hodor’ and the White Walker. I’m still a bit lost as to why the Children of the Forest thought creating the latter would be a good idea.

Why does no one ever stop to pick up the dragon glass? I think it’s good for more than one use guys.

Loads of people have had the opportunity to kill Peter O’Baelish and yet no one has. Surely his time is coming soon?

Who is going to pull the sledge now? (Cue character from the books I’ve not read, no doubt.)

Is there really the sort of kit necessary for making a nice dress just lying around in Castle Black?

I could look at Tormund looking at Brienne all day.

GoT etiquette appears to be, if someone’s had their genitals mutilated, it’s OK to mention it all the time.

Still no McShane. My patience is wearing thin.

Follow Hannah’s week-by-week Game of Thrones blog here

@funnypunts

Enjoyed this? Help Standard Issue keep going by joining our gang. Click here to find out how.

4738 Views
Share:
  • googleplus
  • linkedin
  • rss
  • pinterest

Written by Hannah Dunleavy

Hannah Dunleavy is the deputy editor of Standard Issue. She likes whisky and not having to run anywhere.