Game of Thrones signs off with a bang. Here’s Hannah Dunleavy on potential spouses, a waste of good wine and the worst pie ingredients ever. Contains SPOILERS.
The trial of the century
Blimey, this week was carnage, so let’s start at the beginning, where most of the body count was focused.
Things have been slow in King’s Landing this series, but it made up for it here in that epic opening 20 minutes, which was so ominously and beautifully scored as Cersei’s plan to get rid of all her enemies in one fell (or should that be foul?) swoop slowly came to fruition.
Qyburn’s army of small assassins were particularly unsettling as they laid into Pycell and reminded us all that you should never leave a candle unattended. The things people do for candied plums.
Most of the family Tyrell went up in green smoke, along with Lancel and Ser Kevan Lannister, The High Sparrow, many sackcloth and ashes types, sundry bystanders, the corpses of the other recently deceased Lannisters and Loris’ new haircut.
Not content with inventing a new form of torture – wineboarding – the soon-to-be-crowned Queen then unleashed the Mountain, which turned out to be a bad decision, as while she was distracted, Tommen took the first and last real decision of his reign and threw himself from a window. Although it did free up the throne for his mother. Even Jaime looks scared.
“Winter is here”
Lady Mormont for our next PM, amiright? I love this gutsy little northerner more than ever after she schooled the older, tougher and infinitely more powerful families in the meaning of loyalty. Leading to some shouting of “a king in the north” which, along with wildfire and later talk of The Hand, made it feel like GoT of yore.
“Even if I hadn’t stumbled across a wealth of internet theories as to Jon Snow’s parentage, it was the least surprising surprise since Virgin Cola turned out to be rubbish. Still, it’s nice to be right. Sometimes.”
That “King” is Jon, rather than Sansa, something decided very amicably given how much blood has been shed so far in GoT in the pursuit of power. Sansa’s smart enough to realise that if she becomes the queen, she’s going to end up being a pawn in a bigger game. Proof of which, if it was needed, was just about everything Littlefinger said and did. It’s a pretty picture, she tells him, although I’d bet my sword-hand she went inside to dry heave.
Great stuff too from Ser Davos – have I mentioned before how much I love him? – whose righteous anger at The Red Woman put Jon into a difficult situation. He opted to banish her rather than kill her, which might be the wrong decision, but was at least a grateful one. He’s a nice boy, that Jon Snow.
Freying at the edges
Oh David Bradley, what a gem you are. Having him back at the head of a feast was terribly daunting. Because the Red Wedding. And, you know, someone from Coldplay might have turned up.
Still it was Arya (in disguise) that we should’ve been watching as she dishes up a pie with more hidden ingredients than those Ikea horse-meatballs and then cuts the traitor’s throat. *Slightly nauseated cheer*
Tiny bit of humour from Sam’s thread, as he arrives for his maester training and gets treated like he’s trying to claim JSA from IDS’s front door. Still he gets a look at that wowsers library. And we got to see that lovely baby again.
Least surprising surprise ever
Speaking of babies, we finally had it confirmed that Jon Snow is not Ned Stark’s son. No really. Pick your jaw off the floor. Even if I hadn’t stumbled across a wealth of internet theories as to his parentage, it was the least surprising surprise since Virgin Cola turned out to be rubbish. Still, it’s nice to be right. Sometimes.
Can Varys teleport?
So, Diana Rigg was all sorts of awesome (“Anything from you dear? No? Good.”) as she made a fragile alliance with Dorne, instantly making that part of the world as interesting as it’s ever been. The union was put together by the Spider, who almost immediately found himself back at Daenerys’ side as her invasion fleet FINALLY set sail for Westeros.
“Having David Bradley back at the head of a feast was terribly daunting. Because the Red Wedding. And, you know, someone from Coldplay might have turned up.”
A lovely scene too from Clarke and Dinklage as she made him Hand of The Queen and got to show a bit more of the thoughtful side of the Mother of Dragons. Now she’s keen to just get on with it. You and Twitter both love.
Most interesting question of this section was which man from a good Westerosi family Daenerys thinks she might marry to secure an alliance. Snow is her nephew (although that doesn’t always matter, sadly, in GoT), Bran’s the three-eyed raven, Tommen is dead, Loris is dead, Rickon is dead, Theon can’t give her any children, Sam can’t marry, Jaime can’t marry, the sandsnakes are all women and Edmure is no use to man nor beast. Who does that leave? That little shit back in the Vale? Best marry Tyrion now and be done with it.
Profligacy is a great word. I’ve made a mental note to use it more often. If we could all start being profligate that’d help.
That was some first class “rhubarb, rhubarb” background noise in the scene when everyone pledges to Jon.
Gregor Clegane looks nothing like his dating profile.
I see Benjen Stark is following the same skincare routine as me.
Thanks for a fun 10 weeks people, I’ll be back with another blog for something else (not sure what yet) when TV gets good again in September.
Winter is here so, you know, stay frosty.
Catch up with Hannah’s week-by-week Game of Thrones blog here.
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Hannah Dunleavy is the deputy editor of Standard Issue. She likes whisky and not having to run anywhere.