Written by Hannah Dunleavy

Arts

Happy Talk

Happy Valley is back and Hannah Dunleavy is reviewing all the episodes. Here she finds the second instalment like a Taser to the balls. SPOILERS AHOY.

Tommy Lee Royce (James Norton) prepares to bid farewell to his mother Lynn. Photo: Ben Blackall/Red Productions.

Tommy Lee Royce (James Norton) prepares to bid farewell to Lynn. Photo: Ben Blackall/Red Productions.

St Catherine of Calderdale

The pace might have been a bit slower this week, but it’s still all go, with everyone’s favourite Sarge managing to free 20 women from white slavery in a biscuit factory before the credits. She also inadvertently helped identify one of the murder victims and point to some suspects, although she did put sarky old Winnie in danger for her troubles.

And she’s still off the murder investigations by virtue of the fact she can’t alibi herself for the first two crimes – although I’m pretty sure she was probably PNC-ing someone at the time.

Even so, I think in times of crisis I’d be as pleased to see Catherine running towards me with a bit of sports paraphernalia as I would Batman. More so really, because I’m pretty sure he doesn’t make you a nice cup of tea when it’s all over.

Funeral Wednesday

Funerals are like buses in Elland; you wait forever and two turn up at once. Helen and Lynn’s send-offs couldn’t have been more different yet they both ended with someone shouting abuse at Catherine. Although I can’t help but feel it’s Clare’s tumble off the wagon, which ended with that desperate in-street barney, which will have greater repercussions in the Cawood family.

“John’s storyline moves quicker than a scalded cat being fired out of a gun from a runaway train and it’s all powered by his seemingly relentless stupidity.”

Nice work Ann

The new recruit is shaping up to be a remarkably good and perceptive ‘policemanwoman’ and, after doing such a terrific job last series, it’s nice to see Charlie Murphy get to do some more low-key stuff – and do it as well.

FFS John

I mean where to start? John’s storyline moves quicker than a scalded cat being fired out of a gun from a runaway train and it’s all powered by his seemingly relentless stupidity.

When Plan A – take the £3 he’s saved rationing cereal and peeing in the dark and spend it on scratchcards – isn’t a winner, he moves on to Plan B: lies and woo, which might have worked if he didn’t constantly say, “What about those photos, eh?” Plan C was horrible, if not unexpected, but I’m not entirely convinced that’s the last we’ll see of Amelia Bullmore, because if there’s ever a guy that’s going to open his boot to discover the corpse in there is still very much alive – repeat after me – it’s this twat.

Questions

Neil had an affair with a woman who ruined his life. Was it Vicky do we think?

Is shite van man – real name Sean, like I’m ever going to use it – too obvious a suspect now we know he’s one of Helen’s waifs and strays?

Is there any real benefit to wearing a scarf like Catherine does?

Same time next week?

@funnypunts

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Written by Hannah Dunleavy

Hannah Dunleavy is the deputy editor of Standard Issue. She likes whisky and not having to run anywhere.