Written by Mickey Noonan

Arts

7 Wonders: Tits – the hits!

Sweater stretchers, jugs, golden globes, fun-bags, bazongoes… Boobs are blooming smashing. Mickey Noonan sings their praises – with actual songs.

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend

In partnership with Bravissimo.

AC/DC Whole Lotta Rosie (Live)

Sure, Bon Scott’s tip of the hat to a large Tasmanian woman (“weighing in at 19 stone”) who taught him a thing or two in the sack is an ode to the joy of abundant lady flesh in general. But if there was any doubt surrounding what this dinosaur-rock classic is specifically about, the inflatable big-boobed babe that joins the band onstage further immortalises Rosie’s bountiful attributes.

I’ve gone for the live version because the studio recording wangs on a touch too much, whereas this tight four minutes showcasing that riff of riffs and Angus Young’s stonking guitar solo is the perfect amount of Rosie.

The Stooges DDs

Iggy Pop is a rum one, make no mistake. And that lets him get away with a LOT. Including this little ditty about liking big titties from The Stooges’ 2013 album, Ready to Die, which finds Iggy “on [his] knees for those double Ds”. The lyrics are cartoonishly cartoonish, but the tune is so jolly and it’s such joyous, honest mammary worship delivered with a Carry On nudge-wink that you can’t help but want to tousle his hair and sigh, “Oh, Iggy… Go on then.”

Madonna Express Yourself

Shout out to the milk producers! OK, Madge might not have meant this as an ode to momma melons, but it’s too delicious an opportunity to pass up. Play it loud while you’re strapped to a suction pump and it might even distract from the job at hand.

And there couldn’t be a 7 Wonders about lady orbs without mentioning the owner of a pair of the hardest working, most naturally conical* tits in pop history. Who doesn’t love an iconic boob look you can emulate with cardboard and gaffer tape? A tad higher on the left, pal.
*Maybe. Probably not.

Cornershop Brimful of Asha

Everybody needs a bosom for a pillow. Damn right, Cornershop! Because bosomy pillows are a thing of wonder. And comfort. And inspiration for ridiculously catchy 90s pop tunes. And get off now, your head’s heavy.

a pair of decks
Angelo Badalamenti
Twin Peaks Theme

True story: Grammy Award-winning composer Angelo Badalamenti was inspired by Madonna’s 1990 world tour featuring that Jean-Paul Gaultier cone bra to pen this sublime soaring then falling then soaring then falling score, achingly lovely, like softly heaving Bristols.

Upon hearing the tune while round at Badalamenti’s for coffee and biscotti, David Lynch went home and that very night dreamed of a surreal crime drama starring Kyle MacLachlan that would still refuse to make sense 26 years on. All because boobs.

TRUE STORY.

Steve Miller Band Abracadabra

Some maintain this 80s classic is about the magic of falling in lust, somehow managing to find an inch of loinal stirring in the line Black panties with an angels face, which when you actually think about it for a hot second is creepy as, well, black panties with an angel’s face. But the true joy of the Steve Miller Band’s number one smash in the hit parade is that it contains the word ‘bra’. Twice.

Moby Lift Me Up

Bras need love too, be it hand washing or being put in one of those weird little lingerie bags before going anywhere near the washing machine. And boy, do they earn it. Lifting those wonderfully unwieldy mounds of lady flesh into two perfect scoops, so high up you can rest a kitten on them.

And you’re going to need all the support you can get with this tune blasting out, rattling and shaking like an out-of-control go-kart. Moreover, that perfect bra will make you look like you have two miniature Mobys (Mobii?) tucked down your V-neck. Lovely stuff.

Heavy Boobs

Bonus YouTube! The facts are laid bare in this excellent slice of Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, where Rebecca Bloom’s puppies are dense like dying stars.

Bravissimo, who offer lots of lovely lingerie in D-L cup, are offering £100 of vouchers so you can make the most of your whoppers. To be in with a chance to win, simply follow @LoveBravissimo and send them a tweet with your affectionate name for your assets. Terms and conditions apply.

@MicksterNoonan

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Written by Mickey Noonan

Aged five, Mickey Noonan shoved an apple pip up her nose to see what happened. Older, wiser but sadly without a nose-tree, Standard Issue's editor remains curious about the world. Likes running, jumping and static trapeze.