Written by Various Artists

Arts

7 Wonders: Political shitshows

Ever wondered what Theresa May might have on her playlist? Or Trump? Or Putin? We decided to have our best guess. Warning: Contains FAKE NEWS.

Photo by Gage Skidmore from Peoria, AZ, via Wikimedia Commons (CC BY-SA 2.0).

Donald Trump

Tina Turner – The Best
That’s me. The best. Everybody knows it. I’m going to be so the best president America ever had. I’ll be the best so much, you’ll be bored. I have the best words too. Bigly.

T’Pau – China in Your Hand
Everybody knows I have big hands and that I could hold China in one of my big hands. Yes, the country China. Although, I don’t like the way she pronounces Chi-na in this song. Also, to look at it, she’s only like a seven. Maybe less now because this song is older than my next wife.

Alexander O’Neal – Fake
It’s Black History Month in America, and Alexander O’Neal is an example of somebody who’s done an amazing job and is being recognised more and more, I noticed. He wrote this song about CNN. Fact!

The Clash – I Fought The Law
The judges in America think they run the country. Sad! I run the country. Not the judges. And nobody watches The Apprentice any more anyway. And I’m a germophobe. (Steve, have I written enough yet? My hand hurts.)

Andy Stewart – Donald Where’s Your Troosers?
This song is the national anthem of Scotland. The people of Scotland love me. And I own property there. I like the song because it has my name on it and things with my name on are the best things. Actual questions as to the whereabouts of my trousers go to Sean Spicer, who’ll make something up. If he’s still got a job.

REM – Orange Crush
Melania likes this song. I have no idea why. I’m picking it because I picked her and she picked this which is the same as me picking it.

XTC – Making Plans for Nigel
(Steve, who the hell is Nigel? I’ve picked something else. Please don’t take my TV set away again.)

Belinda Carlisle – Leave a Light On
The last president, Bad Hombre McMuslim Obama, let all America’s jobs leave America and go to Mexico and one of those jobs was the person who knew how to turn the lights on in the White House. Bad! Drain the swamp. Build the wall. Buy Ivanka’s shoes. PERIOD!

@thatdunleavy

Photo by Kremlin.ru, via Wikimedia Commons (CC BY 4.0).

Vladimir Putin

The Cure The Lovecats
I do not like this band or anything they stand for. The singer is ugly woman. But it’s a useful test. I put the song on and laugh – “Haha,” I laugh – and clap my hands and shout: “Lovecats!” and the people, they smile and say: “Yes, we love cats!”
Then I stop smiling and switch the song off and say quietly: “No, I do NOT love cats. I shoot cats.” And this makes the people afraid.

Charlene I’ve Never Been to Me
I sing this every morning to stay humble. Yes, I have tasted the sweet, oily luxury of success, but there are times when my face is all lonely. You know the bit where Charlene sings “Hey lady” just before singing “I’ve been to paradise but I’ve never been to me”? Well, I sing “Hey Vlady” at that part, while interrogating my true self in the mirror, naked as a pig.

Vanilla Ice Ice Ice Baby
This man has spunk. Many spunks. I enjoy watching the video for exercise tips, because squat thrusts can get boring. The lyrics are very difficult for me to understand, but there’s a bit when all the men shout “Deadly!” and my men and I all join in. I like this. All men saying “Deadly!” while we dance and smile.

Sinitta So Macho
Sinitta is all woman. The perfect woman. She has had the strength and devotion to wait for me and when this war is over I will make her my bride. This song was written for me. Like me, it is very masculine. Its message is clear, and the lyrics are magical.

Alice Cooper Poison
This is just a little joke I share with my friends. There is no evidence nothing to be afraid of.

ABBA Voulez-Vous
Voulez-vous” means “do you want” in French, so I think this song is about sex times. I would like to do sex times on the one with yellow hair.

Olivia Newton-John and the Electric Light Orchestra Xanadu
Sometimes you must relax with your fantasy. Once a month, my chief of staff turns the north wing into a neon roller-disco – just for me. I strap on my American rollerskates and swoosh around the ballroom. Sometimes I spin and spin and spin until I’m so dizzy I fall over, giggling like a pretty girl.

@msashleydavies

Photo: Controller of Her Majesty’s Stationery Office (CC BY-SA 4.0).

Theresa May

The Beatles – I Want to Hold Your Hand
Dear Diary,
I’ve never had a best friend before. I was ostracised at school for digging up the playground to look for oil, and the Cabinet are scared of my trousers.
But now I have Donald (4 eva IDST) and I will follow him, dog-like, into the maws of Hell. He says I have massive hands for a woman, but that I’m still a solid six. He’s just the biglyest.
Regards,
Theresa

Paul Simon – 50 Ways To Leave Your Lover
Dear Diary,
If I’ve learned anything in the past nine months, it’s that you can think, and even say out loud, that you want to stay in the EU – hahahaha, I mean with a lover – when really you want to leave, and leave hard. No concessions. No comprehensive white papers. No bridges left unburned. No regrets. No need to be coy, Roy. *gently strokes photo of Union flag*
Best,
Theresa

Manic Street Preachers Slash NBurn
Dear Diary,
GOODBYE NHS! Well, I’m getting a tad ahead of myself, but allow a girl to get a little giddy about continuing unofficial Tory policy and dismantling the greatest contribution towards social and health equality out there. Donny’s very excited about getting his absolutely proportional mitts on some of it.
Sincerely,
Theresa

Sigue Sigue Sputnik Love Missile F1-11
Dear Diary,
I didn’t even know this song had started. Someone must have pressed play by accident. But without telling me. So I genuinely, honestly, hand-on-heart did not know. Yes, I was humming the tune as it started, but that was just a coincidence. Anyway, it wasn’t even armed FFS.
Peace out,
Theresa

The Proclaimers Letter From America
Dear Diary,
Nicola recommended this song and I just CANNOT stop playing it. I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying; I don’t even think it’s in British. But that doesn’t matter at all – they sound very chipper.
Word,
Theresa

Sleeper – What Do I Do Now?
Dear Diary,
Sometimes the world is too unfair. I just want to be liked, but people can’t seem to see past me flushing human rights down the toilet and cuddling up to political monsters.
Stay gangsta,
Theresa

10cc Dreadlock Holiday
Dear Diary,
It’s true: I don’t like cricket – I LOVE it! Like a normal human being with normal human being wants and needs not trying too hard at all to come across like a normal human being.
High five from the low down,
Theresa

@micksternoonan

Steve BannonSteve Bannon

Happy Birthday to You
I play this each morning to myself at 4.30am before eating a four-layer German chocolate cake for breakfast, because fuck everyone.

Mike Oldfield Tubular Bells (Theme from the Exorcist)
This one is an oldie but a goodie. It’s a homage to my alma mater – well shall we say one of them – Georgetown.  I used to take girls to those steps from The Exorcist on dates. Ha ha! PS: This song plays inside my head 24 hours a day.

Cat Stevens/Yusuf Islam Father and Son
I was raised a Democrat in a nice blue collar family, but through concerted effort + time at Goldman Sachs, I learned to let them and their bullshit all go. This is for my father – used to love you, Dad! Although I think I’m more of the father in this song. NB: Cat Stevens is proof that the US is being forced into radical Islamic brainwashing and if you can’t see that you deserve to die, moron.

The Village People In The Navy
I spent time in the Navy and I’m damn proud to use that as an in-route with the pro-military people I have to ass-kiss from time to time. This song also proves I’m not homophobic, as does my relationship with Milo, so there, pussies.

Taylor Swift Hey Stephen
I’m 100 per cent sure Taylor Swift wrote this about me. And yes, Taylor, maybe we can have a drink sometime, kinda busy right now?

Dolly Parton – I Will Always Love You
This song reminds me of my three ex-wives and how they will always love me. It’s the original though, and as far as I’m concerned the ONLY version of this song which exists.

Laura Williams I Just Can’t Wait To Be King (The Lion King)
When one of my children was little, and I can’t remember which one as they all blur into pointless mush, I took him (her?) to see The Lion King.  It was, of course, a pile of pro-African propaganda crap (like the other version of I Will Always Love You), but this little ditty did stick with me.
Perhaps it was fate (which I do believe in when it comes to white men) because Donald used to sing it in his sleep during the campaign.  Then I’d sing it back to him but in a creepy minor chord, just so he remembered who was in fucking charge. Now time to start my day. Happy. Birthday. To. Me.

@taylorglennUK

Nigel Farage

Drink, Drink Drink (The Drinking Song)
Wotcha, Nigel here, GSOH, loves free speech as long as I’m speaking it, and loves Europe as long as it’s not too foreign. Only 35 years old. I just look as old as I do because I work so hard.
My first song is The Drinking Song from The Student Prince, which combines my love of mainland Europe – home of my publicly funded job as an MEP, birthplace of Mrs Farage, who we are not going to mention, and possible new home if that application for German citizenship goes through – and my love of beer, lovely manly pints of beer. Rarely seen without a pint, me.
It’s definitely not a prop to make a Dulwich educated former City Banker look like a Man Of The People, just like Prince Karl does here.

ABBA – The Winner Takes It All
Even though I’m the sort of fun time multi-millionaire you’d love to have a pint and a laugh with, my life has been peppered with sadness. Let us not forget my seven failed attempts to get elected as a British MP. Seven. That’s loads, especially when you consider how popular I am, as all my fans keep telling you people. I’m just unlucky, I suppose. I’ll let ABBA sing my pain.

Elastica Waking Up
Despite losing all those many, many times at British elections, I do work really, really hard. I hate it when publicly funded elitists gad about wasting taxpayers’ money, that’s why while I’m being paid out of your money to be an MEP, I remember to turn up for work. Sometimes. Unless I’ve got something more important on. I think Elastica adequately sum up my tremendous, selfless work ethic in Waking Up.

straight banana
REM – Radio Song
I’m SO hardworking that, even though you’d think all of my time would be taken up with my publicly paid job as an MEP that I definitely devote myself to, I’m also a media star! I’m so sick of my views being censored and silenced that I’ve made myself unavoidably prominent in British Mainstream Media for decades now.
My attempts to get the US Ambassador job might have been an abject failure, but LBC recently did me one better, realising my dreams of having a regular talk show slot on a local radio station. You know – like Alan Partridge. Radio Song by REM can celebrate this fact. “The world is collapsing around our ears”, Stipey?? Honestly, typical Lefty Project Fear Doom Mongering!

Simon & Garfunkel – America
Also, I’m a big star in America! See me standing in gold lifts, making America great again! Witness me cheering on a man who is definitely not an Orange Mussolini, guided by Steve Bannon who is definitely not a dangerous White Supremacist Nihilist! They love good ol’ honest Nige there, they think I’m the leader of the opposition. It’s all so happy, it’s Simon & Garfunkel level happy!

Icona PopI Love It (I Don’t Care)
We can’t talk about my brilliant career without talking about Brexit, which was won by a massive margin of 4 per cent, so now the other 16 million of you definitely need to stop using democratic methods of opposing and criticising it, such as peaceful demonstration, listening to The Supreme Court, voting for Pro Remain MPs (as these people are enemies of the people), or just generally using your free speech as this stopped in June last year with the referendum, which was the grand finale of democracy and now there’s to be no more democracy because I won it and I say so.
Brexit was a huge personal victory for me, my unofficial Leave.EU campaign bravely carried on going alongside the official Vote Leave Campaign despite not being affiliated with it and occasionally being publicly distanced from it like after that “Racist” Billboard fiasco.
It was definitely Nige wot won it, and not that NHS Promise Bus that I admitted was a bare-faced lie about an hour after Brexit had won. Got a problem with Brexit? Shut up, Remoaner! I Don’t Care, I Love It!

MIA – Paper Planes
Even the brilliant, patriotic boost of Brexit, with its blue passports and innovative jams instead of free trade, cannot lift my spirits forever. Perhaps if Paul Nuttall can do what I never managed and get UKIP that all important second parliamentary seat it’ll cheer me up, but for now I’ve got to put up with literal egg on his face, personal scandals, UKIP’s MEPs fighting among themselves the second my back’s turned and the possibility of being fined half a million quid for alleged misuse of EU Funds.
Is this how you ingrates treat Britain’s Greatest Hero? I’ve done so much for this country, I only quit UKIP and went to suck up to billionaires and pursue political and media jobs in America because I wanted my life back!
It’s definitely not that I’m a swindler, making as much personal gain as I can out of Free Movement, the EU and the BBC while simultaneously decrying them, leaving a chaotic country and party up shit creek while I skip away to line my own pockets, knowing that nothing I can possibly do will dull the fervour of that worrying old school friend you have on Facebook who’s forever sharing Infowars posts.
You know I don’t just want to (bang bang bang) and (cash register) take your money like MIA in Paper Planes. But if I did, wouldn’t this be the perfect way to go about it?

@scriblit

Photo by YouTube/RevolutionBahrainMC, via Wikimedia Commons (CC BY 3.0).

Jeremy Corbyn

Pink – Walk of Shame
When asked about job satisfaction, most politicians would count contact with the public as their number-one motivator. This song, more clearly than most, evokes that feeling of the walk back down a garden path, following an extensive examination of one’s motivations and shortcomings.

Tiny Tim Tiptoe Through the Tulips
Michael Portillo (God rot his lacquered soul) when canvassing once noticed he’d walked footprints through the wet concrete just laid on a garden path. When the door opened, quick as a flash he cried, “You’re poor and ordinary”, smashed the startled home owner around the ear with a nearby garden gnome and fled. Some talents you are born with, some can only be bought with an Oxbridge education.

The WonderstuffWelcome to the Cheap Seats
You know what they say – backbenchers do it from behind, after an appropriately lengthy debate about expectations and outcomes, respecting the views and values of all stakeholders, followed by an exhaustive post-event-breakdown addressing encounter impact and inherent disappointment going forward.

The EaglesNew Kid in Town
When handing me the metaphorical and unnecessarily gender-specific keys to the kingdom, Ed Miliband shook my hand, looked me straight in the eye and said “They’re the wrong trousers, Gromit”. I suddenly realised just how low the bar was set and a feeling of calm and wellbeing washed over me that 2016 was going to be a gooooood year.

Lieutenant PigeonMouldy Old Dough
The fact that nobody understands where this band came from, what they’re talking about or that it sounds faintly inedible, didn’t stop them from reaching the top spot. Oh.

Billy BraggAccident Waiting to Happen
You wait for 20 years for someone who agrees with you that NATO is an outdated and outmoded artefact of the allies’ WWII victory lap and only serves to drive a wedge between us and our Russian brethren and perpetuate the Cold War – and it turns out to be Donald Trump. *high fives over the Obama bed*

@hazedavis

Boris JohnsonBoris Johnson

Europe – The Final Countdown
Yes, smashing! I played this every day before the referendum. Shame about the band name though, but mustn’t grumble. We are in the final countdown to Brexit, believe me. Not that I’ve got much to do with it now…Gove saw to that one. But, you know what – good chap! Didn’t go to Eton and is an absolute backstabbing bastard but a good chap!

10cc – Dreadlock Holiday
(Note from editor: Boris, Theresa May has already picked this song. Boris? Boris? Never mind.)
I like this song because, you know what? I don’t just like cricket… I love it! Some say my game of cricket after the LEAVE vote victory is the reason I didn’t get in the running to be PM, but I don’t want to speculate… and I bowled a googly that game, so not all was lost.

Queen – Bicycle Race
Who else has got bikes named after them, eh? Theresa bikes? Gove bikes? Not on your nelly! Best investment ever, if you ask me. £11m to keep them on the road every year apparently. Cheap really… what else would we spend the cash on?

The Clash – London Calling
I was London Mayor. Yes, I was shocked too! I only did it for a bloody bet and then, WHAM! A full-time job. Got to host an Olympics though. Let’s not discuss the zip wire debacle. I’m still chafing from that harness.

The Struts – Could Have Been Me
I’m not saying Theresa isn’t doing a good job but seriously… you wouldn’t find me holding hands with Trump. That’s why I’ve given up my dual citizenship… there’s only space for one bombastic blonde around here and that’s me!

The Vapors – Turning Japanese
This was not the proudest moment of my life but I have to say, it was a bally good tackle. If you didn’t see it, I accidentally shoulder barged a small Japanese schoolboy to the ground while playing rugby. All in good fun though – I’m sure he was fine. The paramedics said it wasn’t a lasting injury.

Chumbawamba – Tubthumping
The chorus of this song is my anthem: “I get knocked down, but I get up again”. You ain’t never going to keep BoJo down. I’m may be down, but I’m not out. Where there is an opportunity for a racially insensitive comment or a cultural gaffe, I’ll be there. Don’t count me out of the race yet.

@MissReno1981

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Written by Various Artists

Some of Standard Issue's brilliant women's carefully crafted words for your reading pleasure.