Jen Offord has cobbled together a godawful Valentine’s playlist so your teenage neighbour doesn’t have to.
“My mind’s telling me no… But my body – my body’s telling me yes,” wails our Robert.
For me, there’s nothing more alluring (no really) than a man’s explicit warning that while he knows in his brain that making the beast with two backs with you is a bad idea, he’s going to succumb to the will of his penis, regardless.
Even before the hip hopera In the Closet, this guy was a keeper.
Chris Brown feat Usher and Zayn – Back to Sleep
Do I really want to be fucked back to sleep, though? I mean, arguably, that’s a damning indictment isn’t it? “It just went on until I couldn’t keep my eyes open anymore.”
Mind you, perhaps I would feel differently if Usher, one third of this musical triumvirate, really had written a book about ways to sex me up, as he suggests. But seriously, imagine if Usher had written that book. I digress.
The sincerity and earnestness with which some of the worst lyrics I have ever heard are sung gives me genuine cause for concern about the state of sexual relations among today’s youth. Like when Chris Brown offers his apologies for “fucking round with Keisha and MaKayla” well, at least he’s sorry.
And you also absolutely know 100 per cent that Zayn Malik’s eyes are closed and face contorted as he sings that you if you feel someone having a little rummage around in your downstairs area while you’re semi-conscious and technically not in a position to consent, don’t worry – it’s just him. And you don’t even have to tell him what you want, presumably because he’s totes got that covered or has absolutely no interest.
Lykke Li – Get Some
And if you thought that was a statement of intent by Malik, perhaps we should introduce him to the usually unimpeachable Lykke Li, who is hell-fucking-bent on doing the bidnis with the object of her affection. Li is not in a frame of mind to take demands, she says, “Just say a prayer that it gon’ get done.”
In a turn that can only really be described as sexually aggressive, Li informs her companion, “Like a shotgun needs an outcome, I’m your prostitute, you gon’ get some.”
Because there’s nothing hotter than paying for sex.
Gary Puckett and the Union Gap – Young Girl
Poor old Gary Puckett has quite the dilemma on his hands. It’s a tale as old as time whereby the lady he has designs on has neglected to tell him she’s actually a bit younger than you might otherwise deem appropriate. He’s just found out, and frankly, he’s hurt.
There’s a lesson here, Gary: a bit like Sainsbury’s ‘Challenge 25’ policy, it’s always worth asking.
Not3s – Addison Lee
I came across this after Spotify recommended it to me as something I might like. They weren’t wrong.
It’s about someone called Madison, a peng ting who the vocalist would like to take home in an Addison Lee. The mind boggles as to what came first – did he want to write about a peng ting called Madison – rhyming opportunities limited here – or was he genuinely inspired by the diversification of public transport?
There’s a lot of detail about this taxi – he’s got a promotional code, so you can get to his yard for a fiver, which he says he’ll cover. Smooth. He does however concede that an Uber might have been cheaper, and indeed made their journey back to the shag pad a bit quicker.
Madison will no doubt be desperate to get into his pants after this deeply seductive exploration of value for money – he’s going to regret that wait, I’m quite sure.
Fifth Harmony – Work from Home
Moving swiftly on from taxis, it’s almost as if we’ve written every smutty song imaginable and there’s really nothing left to sexualise. Fifth Harmony weren’t ready to give up, however, with this little ditty about flexible working patterns.
Look love, I’m so desperate for a nobbing, I suggest you don’t go to werk, werk, werk, werk, werk, werk, werk today and stay at home (where you’re the boss incidentally), letting my body put in the werk, werk, werk, werk, werk, werk, werk, instead.
It’s not going to get that cost benefit analysis written though, is it babes?
Meat Loaf has a couple of these numbers under his belt. For example, I’ve often wondered what he wouldn’t do for love, and every time I consider it I come back to the same thing – anal sex. He’s a bit like Kanye West like that; he stays away from that whole area altogether.
Apart from that, who could forget the cautionary tale of settling for second best – there’s only one girl he’ll ever love and that was years ago, so no offence petal, but it ain’t you.
“I want you, I need you,” he sings, alas there ain’t no way he’s ever going to love you. But don’t be sad, he says “cos two out of three ain’t bad.”
I actually think I’d rather have that Addison Lee promo code.4050 Views
Jen is a writer from Essex, which isn’t relevant because she lives in London, but she likes people to know it. As well as daft challenges, she likes cats, cheese and Beyonce. @inspireajen